


En Attendant

by ICryYouMercy (TrafalgarsLaw)



Category: Hamlet - Shakespeare, Richard II - Shakespeare, Rosencrantz & Guildenstern are Dead - Stoppard
Genre: Alternative Universe - En Attendant Godot, Gen, Screenplay/Script Format
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-16
Updated: 2014-08-16
Packaged: 2018-02-13 09:47:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 19,518
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2146158
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TrafalgarsLaw/pseuds/ICryYouMercy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They are waiting, and there might be a lesson to be learned in that.</p>
            </blockquote>





	En Attendant

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Rune_Vanyarin](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rune_Vanyarin/gifts).



> Written for the 2014 Histories-Ficathon, for the prompt of Bushy, Baggot and Green meeting Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.

Dramatis Personae:

ROSENCRANTZ a student  
GUILDENSTERN another student  
BUSHY a minion  
BAGGOT another minion  
GREEN a third minion  
BOY a boy  
a flock of sheep  
several chickens  
two horses  
a king  
a prince  
a student

Act I

_(Evening, the country side. The mood, if so desired, can be emphasised by the[Largo](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=scMq0prLcSQ) from Chopin's Cello Sonata in G Minor or the [Largo](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rq1Iv3DkwVs) from Händel's Xerxes._  
 _In the background, there are two apricot trees, bearing fruit._  
 _Stage middle, there is a rock, large enough for two or three men to sit on._  
 _Currently, there is one man sitting on the rock, untying his shoe. He is called BAGGOT. Another man is currently asleep, using the rock as a (rather uncomfortable) pillow. His name is BUSHY._  
  
 _Enter GREEN.)_

BAGGOT _(clearly struggling to remove his shoe, muttering under his breath)_ Nothing to be done about this.  
GREEN _(approaching the stone, limping slightly, holding himself rather tensely)_ That's what I'm coming to believe, too. And trust me, I've tried not to, I've kept telling myself that we haven't yet tried everything, we can't give up now. _(beat)_ Oh, here you are. It's good to see you again.  
BAGGOT Is it?  
GREEN It is. I had thought you gone forever.  
BAGGOT Me too. Is this grounds for celebration?  
GREEN Maybe. We should do something, at least. Let me embrace you. _(holds out arms towards BAGGOT)_  
BAGGOT Yes, yes, surely, but not right now, I'm busy. _(tries and fails to take off his shoe again)_  
GREEN _(dejectedly)_ Right, right. Forgive me.  
 _(silence)_  
GREEN Would now be better?  
 _Silence, BAGGOT is entirely occupied with his shoe, and seems to have forgotten about GREEN entirely._  
GREEN _(a tone of exasperation rather than affection now)_ Might I enquire as to how you've been since we parted ways?  
BAGGOT _(finally looking up_ ) I've been sleeping, mostly. In a ditch.  
GREEN _(confused)_ You've slept in a ditch? How come?  
BAGGOT I was tired.  
GREEN And now?  
BAGGOT I'm not tired anymore. _(resumes struggling with his shoes)_  
GREEN _(seemingly desperate to keep the conversation going)_ I trust you slept well, then?  
BAGGOT Yes, thank you. I was robbed.  
GREEN _(shocked)_ You were robbed?  
BAGGOT _(with an uncaring wave of his hand)_ Not much.  
GREEN By the same people as last time?  
BAGGOT Last time?  
GREEN _(shaking his head in almost mock-sadness)_ Did you even think what would become of you if it weren't for me?  
BAGGOT _(after a long moment's consideration)_ No.  
GREEN You'd be little more than a heap of white-bleached bones by now.  
BAGGOT _(shrugging)_ Probably.  
GREEN That's a lot, for a single man to take. _(Pauses_ ) But then again, maybe it's not that bad. It would have been nice to think about eternity, approaching the turn of the century.  
BAGGOT That's enough. Help me with this, please. _(gesturing angryly towards his shoe)_  
GREEN Hand in hand, we could have awaited judgement. But it's too late now, not when we have already been judge unworthy. What are you doing? _(the subject change happens without pause)_  
BAGGOT Taking off my shoes. Have you never heard of that?  
GREEN Not since I told you that shoes needed to be removed every day. You should pay more attention to what I tell you.  
BAGGOT So help me, then.  
GREEN Did you hurt yourself?  
BAGGOT Did I hurt myself? He's asking if I hurt myself!  
GREEN Yes, because it's always you who ends up hurt, no one but you ever gets hurt, no one else's pain ever matters to you!  
BAGGOT So did you ever get hurt?  
GREEN _(exasperated, accompanied by helpless but rather expansive gesturing)_ He's asking me if I ever got hurt!  
BAGGOT But that's no reason to let yourself go like that. _(gesturing at GREEN's doublet, which is unbuttoned far further than common decency would usually permit)_  
GREEN Oh. _(re-buttoning his shirt)_ It's always the small things, isn't it? _(pauses, undoes the buttons again, clearly unaccustomed to wearing his shirts closed)_  
BAGGOT _(seemingly momentarily distracted by GREEN's appearance)_ Probably. But you shouldn't always leave it to the last moment to do something about it.  
GREEN The last moment? _(thoughtful pause)_ Pleasure deferred is… something enhanced? Who said that?  
BAGGOT You are not helping me.  
GREEN Sometimes I almost believe that, you know. _(runs his hands through his hair, almost distractedly)_ Makes me feel relieved, I guess. _(runs his hands through his hair again, as though expecting something to have changed)_ And appalled. APPALLED, I tell you.  
BAGGOT _(still struggling with his shoes)_ So?  
GREEN So what?  
BAGGOT _(still pulling at his shoe, leaning back against the rock precariously)_ I asked first. _(finally manages to pull his shoe off, loses his balance, and falls over, managing to dislodge BUSHY from his pillow)_  
BUSHY _(waking up, voice slightly sleepy and slurred)_ Did I miss something? What's happening? Where are we?  
BAGGOT _(ignoring or not noticing BUSHY, starts inspecting his shoe rather carefully, turning it over as though trying to shake something out of it)_ Finally!  
BUSHY _(apparently misunderstanding BAGGOT)_ Well, you should have woken me up, then!  
GREEN _(voice dreamy, lost in thought)_ One of the thieves was saved.  
BAGGOT _(to BUSHY, sounding surprisingly sincere)_ Oh, I'm sorry, did I wake you?  
BUSHY _(to GREEN, confused)_ What thieves?  
GREEN _(to BAGGOT, annoyed)_ Now you've woken him up! Why did you do that for!  
BAGGOT _(to GREEN, hurt)_ I didn't mean to!  
GREEN _(to BUSHY)_ The thieves! The ones that were crucified!  
BUSHY _(to BAGGOT, confused)_ I think so?  
BAGGOT _(to BUSHY)_ What?  
BUSHY _(to GREEN)_ Why?  
GREEN _(to both)_ What?  
 _(pause)_  
GREEN _(having collected himself)_ Maybe if we repent?  
BAGGOT _(now busy removing his other shoe)_ Repent what?  
BUSHY _(ostensibly helpful)_ Maybe just in general?  
BAGGOT For being born, then?  
GREEN _(laughing harshly, devoid of any mirth)_ So have we forgotten how to laugh. _(sermonising)_  
BAGGOT Is that much of a loss?  
BUSHY Do we miss it?  
GREEN We can still smile. _(does so, in a rather artificial manner)_  
BUSHY _(returning the smile, rather more sincerely)_ But it's not the same, is it?  
BAGGOT And the problem?  
GREEN Have you ever read the bible?  
BAGGOT The bible… _(considering the question at length)_ I think I must have, at some point. _(barely not making it a question)_  
GREEN A youth without god, then?  
BUSHY Is it important?  
BAGGOT I wouldn't remember.  
BUSHY Surely you must confuse it with something else?  
GREEN Me?  
BAGGOT Probably. It had nice pictures. In colour. Of the Dead Sea. I've always wanted to go there.  
BUSHY On our honeymoon?  
GREEN On a crusade?  
BAGGOT I should have been a soldier then.  
BUSHY Are you not?  
GREEN Are we not?  
BAGGOT Can't you tell? _(gesturing at their decidedly unmilitary clothing)_  
GREEN That's not what I said. _(pause)_ So, how is your foot?  
BUSHY His foot?  
BAGGOT _(finally succeeding in removing his other shoe, and then triumphantly wiggling his toes)_ My foot. Feet. Foot? Fine, I think.  
GREEN Oh, yes. About the thieves. You want me to tell you?  
BUSHY What thieves!  
BAGGOT No! _(speaking at the same time as BUSHY)_  
GREEN The thieves. I was just talking about them. Do you want me to tell you?  
BAGGOT No!  
BUSHY It might pass the time.  
GREEN There were two thieves, crucified at the same time as our Lord and Saviour.  
BUSHY Who?  
GREEN The Saviour. Two thieves. They say one of them has been saved, and the other damned.  
BUSHY Saved from what?  
GREEN Hell.  
BAGGOT I'll just be leaving, then. _(starts walking away, leaving his shoes behind)_  
GREEN I'm not boring you, am I?  
BUSHY We're not listening.  
GREEN How come, that of the four evangelists, only one tells this story. They would have been right there, or at least not too far off. And only one of them talks of a saved thief. _(pause, as he seems to be expecting an answer. after several long moments of silence, he gives up with the most understated gesture of exasperation imaginable_ ) Come on, you need to at least pretend to pay attention!  
BUSHY Why?  
BAGGOT Don't encourage him! _(in tones of cautious optimism, mingled with defeat)_  
GREEN One out of four. Of the three others, two didn't mention the thieves at all, while the third wrote that both were damned.  
BUSHY Who?  
BAGGOT _(speaking mostly to himself)_ I said not to encourage him…  
GREEN What?  
BUSHY I don't understand, who are we talking about?  
GREEN The Saviour.  
BUSHY Why?  
GREEN Because he wanted to safe them?  
BUSHY From what?  
BAGGOT From death.  
GREEN From hell!  
BUSHY So what?  
BAGGOT I said don't.  
GREEN So, one wrote that one thief was saved, and another wrote that both were damned.  
BAGGOT So they disagree on a rather small detail. Why would you care?  
GREEN Because only one of them talks about it! Why believe him and not the others?  
BUSHY Who believes him?  
GREEN Everyone does! They only know this version.  
BAGGOT _(morosely)_ That's because everyone's a moron.  
 _(They are quiet for a moment, while BUSHY wanders_  
 _off to investigate the scene. GREEN, meanwhile, investigates BAGGOT's shoes, while BAGGOT himself returns to the rock, sitting down again, next to GREEN, a little closer than what one would usually expect from platonic friends, yet holding himself distanced in a way one wouldn't expect from a romantic partner)_  
BUSHY _(returning)_ It's nice here. _(looking around again)_ So, when are we leaving?  
BAGGOT We can't leave.  
BUSHY Why?  
BAGGOT We're waiting.  
BUSHY Who or what for?  
BAGGOT I don't know. We're waiting.  
GREEN And you are sure this is the right place?  
BAGGOT We were told to wait by the apricot trees, were we not?  
BUSHY Told by whom?  
GREEN Are you sure there are no others?  
BUSHY Other what?  
GREEN Other trees. _(fondly exasperated)_  
BAGGOT Do you see any others?  
GREEN And you are sure those are apricot trees?  
BAGGOT Reasonably, yes.  
GREEN And you're sure they're not, say, peaches? Or plums?  
BUSHY _(coming back from investigating the trees, holding a handful of fruits)_ They do taste like apricots, at least. _(offering the fruit to the other two)_ Try it, they're really nice.  
GREEN See, they are apricots. _(takes one)_  
BAGGOT _(doubtfully, even after taking a bite of the offered fruit)_ Are you sure?  
GREEN and BUSHY _(simultaneously)_ Yes!  
BAGGOT So we wait here?  
GREEN Yes!  
BAGGOT For how long?  
GREEN Until we're done waiting.  
BAGGOT And how long is that?  
GREEN _(sharply)_ Until we're done waiting.  
BUSHY _(thoughtfully)_ Do you know how long we've been waiting already?  
BAGGOT It can't have been all that long, it's still early evening.  
GREEN But we've been here yesterday, too, haven't we?  
BUSHY So how long? Two days?  
GREEN Three, I think. Or four?  
BAGGOT I wasn't here yesterday.  
GREEN So where were you?  
BAGGOT Not here.  
BUSHY You said that already.  
BAGGOT Somewhere else.  
GREEN Yes, we understood that much.  
BUSHY So where were you?  
BAGGOT _(insistently)_ I must have been somewhere.  
GREEN Yes, but where?  
BUSHY Are you sure you weren't here?  
BAGGOT Are you sure I was?  
 _(GREEN and BUSHY exchange a_ look _)_  
BAGGOT If you insist! _(throwing his hands up in a gesture not unlike a shrug)_  
BUSHY So we keep waiting?  
GREEN We keep waiting.  
 _(pause, while BUSHY sits down, leaning against the rock once more, BAGGOT and GREEN sitting on either side of him)_  
BAGGOT How long do we keep waiting? _(pause, no reaction from BUSHY or GREEN)_ What are we even waiting for? Do we know anything about it? Or are we just waiting for fairer weather and better days? _(still no reaction, while GREEN's head slowly falls against BAGGOT's shoulder, while BUSHY starts leaning against BAGGOT's legs, heavier than a single man should be able to be)_ Green? _(no answer)_ Bushy? _(still no answer)_ Green? _(still no answer, BAGGOT shrugs GREEN's head off his shoulder)_  
GREEN What did you wake me up for?  
BAGGOT _(contrite)_ I was starting to feel lonely.  
GREEN You could have slept, too.  
BAGGOT _(obstinately)_ I was starting to feel lonely.  
GREEN So you could have woken up Bushy. He's slept more than I have already.  
 _(BAGGOT seems to be considering this suggestion for_  
 _a moment, but ultimately does nothing about it)_  
GREEN You could, in fact, wake him up now and let me sleep instead.  
 _(BAGGOT still doesn't do anything about it)_  
GREEN I'm going to sleep again. _(remains sitting upright, his eyes wide open)_  
BUSHY _(jumping awake, breathing heavily)_ What did I miss?!  
GREEN Nothing much.  
BUSHY I've just had the most terrible nightmare.  
BAGGOT Don't tell us.  
BUSHY But whom else should I be telling about my most private dreams, if not you?  
BAGGOT You could just keep them to yourself, as the term private implies.  
GREEN _(absentmindedly)_ Maybe it would really be better if we were to go our separate ways.  
BUSHY Where would we go?  
BAGGOT Not far, probably.  
GREEN Yes, that might prove to be a problem.  
BUSHY But we might get to see the world.  
BAGGOT _(angrily)_ We can't, we're waiting.  
BUSHY _(startled)_ Sorry, I didn't mean to…  
BAGGOT _(waves him off, does not soften his voice though)_ Don't bother, it's alright.  
BUSHY It's not, you're still angry.  
GREEN Leave it. He'll calm down on his own. _(helps BUSHY to stand, leads him a few paces away)_  
 _(BAGGOT eventually stands as well, walks towards the other side of the stage, looking away into the distance. BUSHY tries following him. GREEN reaches out to hold him back, reconsiders, watching him leave, turns away to consider the other side of the stage. BAGGOT, noticing BUSHY's approach, turns to walk upstage, towards the apricot trees. GREEN, concerned, turns to walk towards BUSHY, only to be intercepted by BAGGOT)_  
GREEN _(to BAGGOT)_ You have something to say?  
BUSHY _(approaching the two of them carefully)_ Is there nothing you want to tell us?  
GREEN _(softly, quietly)_ You can tell us, it's alright.  
BAGGOT _(still angrily)_ There's nothing. Forget it.  
BUSHY But you're angry. There has to be something.  
GREEN Will it help if we apologise?  
BUSHY _(laying a hand on BAGGOT's shoulder)_ Come here, you need a hug. _(considers this for a moment)_ I need a hug.  
GREEN _(stepping closer as well)_ We all need a hug.  
BAGGOT _(defeatedly)_ Or a kiss. I could do with a kiss.  
GREEN _(after kissing BAGGOT softly)_ You smell of sugar.  
BUSHY _(not letting BAGGOT reply before leaning in to claim a kiss as well)_ And roses.  
BAGGOT Of course I do. We all do. Have you not noticed yet?  
BUSHY _(turning to GREEN, with a gesture that is request as much as invitation)_ Not consciously, but I might have to…  
GREEN _(leans in to kiss BUSHY after it's becoming clear that he won't finish that sentence)_ Apparently. Why?  
BAGGOT It's what we do. It's all we're good for.  
BUSHY _(confusedly)_ What are we good for?  
BAGGOT Smelling nice and looking pretty. Hence the waiting and general uselessness.  
GREEN _(automatically, rather than offended)_ We're not useless!  
BAGGOT _(gesturing at their surroundings)_ We are now.  
BUSHY _(genuinely lost now)_ So what do you think we should do?  
BAGGOT _(flippantly)_ We could try hanging ourselves?  
GREEN Why would we do that?  
BAGGOT Well, why wouldn't we?  
BUSHY How would we do it, then? _(apparently asking out of purely intellectual rather than personal curiosity)_  
BAGGOT The trees, probably. They're high enough.  
GREEN Do we have any rope?  
BUSHY We have belts, if you think those would work?  
GREEN Probably. Who wants to go first?  
BAGGOT Maybe I should.  
BUSHY Why?  
BAGGOT I'm the lightest.  
BUSHY Wouldn't that mean you should go last?  
GREEN Are you sure about that?  
BAGGOT Yes, of course I am. And I don't want to go last!  
BUSHY Why not?  
BAGGOT I don't want to.  
GREEN So we don't do it?  
BUSHY Why not? _(almost disappointedly)_  
GREEN Because Baggot would need to go last, and he doesn't want to.  
BAGGOT I wouldn't have to go last!  
BUSHY You would!  
BAGGOT I wouldn't, that doesn't make sense!  
BUSHY It's obvious, just think about it.  
BAGGOT I did. And it's not obvious!  
GREEN It is. You just have to really think about it.  
BAGGOT I am thinking! I still don't understand!  
BUSHY _(heaving a deep sigh)_ It's obvious! You're the lightest, and if the tree can carry your weight, but not ours, you'll be dead, and we'll still be here! And we're not going to let that happen.  
BAGGOT And what if I'm not the lightest?  
GREEN You said you were.  
BAGGOT But if I wasn't?  
BUSHY It still wouldn't work, we wouldn't know who's the lightest and who's the heaviest, so we'd have to do it all three at the same time, and I'm not sure the trees could handle that.  
BAGGOT So what should we do instead?  
GREEN We wait.  
BUSHY What for?  
BAGGOT We wait.  
GREEN _(searching for something in his pockets)_ Would anyone like a carrot?  
BAGGOT I don't like carrots.  
BUSHY _(upon holding out his hand and receiving a piece of vegetable)_ This isn't a carrot. _(hands it to BAGGOT who promptly starts eating it)_  
GREEN I'm sorry, I could have sworn it was a carrot. _(hands BUSHY another piece of vegetable)_  
BUSHY This is a turnip. _(flat, seemingly taking it rather personally)_  
GREEN _(taking the turnip back, taking a bite)_ I'm terribly sorry. _(hands BUSHY yet another piece of vegetable)_  
BUSHY Thanks. _(starts eating his carrot)_  
BAGGOT _(freezing, his not-carrot halfway to his mouth)_ Did you just hear that?  
BUSHY _(still chewing)_ Hear what?  
GREEN _(equally as unconcerned as BUSHY)_ Surely that was just the wind.  
BAGGOT It wasn't! I'm sure it wasn't.  
BUSHY So what was it then?  
BAGGOT I thought… _(interrupting himself, turning towards stage right)_ Listen, it's here again.  
GREEN I can't hear anything.  
BUSHY Wait, I think… There. _(pointing upstage)_  
BAGGOT _(moving closer to GREEN and BUSHY again_ ) Do you know what it is?  
GREEN _(rolling his eyes)_ I told you, I can't hear anything!  
BUSHY Someone shouting, I think.  
BAGGOT Shouting for what?  
BUSHY I don't know!  
BAGGOT Should we hide?  
GREEN What, from sounds we don't hear?  
BAGGOT _(annoyed)_ I can hear them!  
BUSHY _(shushing the others, whispering)_ Listen! There's something else, too.  
BAGGOT _(pulling BUSHY and GREEN closer to hide behind them)_ It's chains.  
GREEN Chains?  
BAGGOT Chains.  
 _(BAGGOT loses his patience at this point, dragging the other two upstage, hiding in the shadow of one of the apricot trees)_  
 _(several moments pass in tense silence or, if so desired, underscored with Prokofiev's '[Dance of the Knights](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YMrSPOWrYGA)', while BUSHY, BAGGOT and GREEN are alternatively whispering to each other, listening carefully, or clinging worriedly to each other)_  
 _(the moment GREEN loses his patience, and starts to step back into full view, there is a clearly audible rattling of chains coming from stage right)_  
 _(after this rattling has continued for another moment, two young men enter, no older than twenty, possibly rather younger, by name of ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN, handcuffed to each other, for no immediately apparent reason, and for another not immediately apparent reason, instead of walking with their cuffed-together hands between them, to grant them some freedom of movement, they have instead settled the chain across their backs, walking closely enough to each other that their steps are necessarily perfectly synchronised.)_  
 _(they have almost crossed the stage, when ROSENCRANTZ notices BAGGOT's shoes, and stops abruptly, causing the two of them to stumble and almost fall over. At this point, should a change in tone feel needed, it is possible to change the music to Albrechtsberger's[concerto](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=30y_NzRLT_g) for jew's harp)_  
GUILDENSTERN _(cautiously)_ Hello?  
 _(silence)_  
GUILDENSTERN _(less cautiously)_ Is there anyone here?  
BAGGOT _(without perceptible irony or sarcasm)_ No.  
GUILDENSTERN Who are you?  
BAGGOT Nobody.  
GUILDENSTERN I am not telling anyone that nobody is killing me.  
BUSHY _(confused)_ Excuse me?  
ROSENCRANTZ But nobody is killing you.  
GREEN _(losing his patience and stepping forward)_ We are Bushy, Baggot, and Green _(pointing at himself and the two others with a rather careless gesture, in no particular order)_  
ROSENCRANTZ _(inclining his head in greeting_ ) I am Guildenstern, and this is Rosencrantz _(pointing at GUILDENSTERN)_  
 _(another pause, while everyone seems to consider this statement)_  
 _(GUILDENSTERN clears his throat)_  
ROSENCRANTZ I'm sorry, _(his tone indicating that this is purely a formality and not at all sincere)_ he is Guildenstern, and I am Rosencrantz.  
 _(silence, nervous shuffling and fidgeting on both sides, giving the impression that there is a general uncertainty about how to continue this conversation)_  
GUILDENSTERN Well, we must be going, we have been sent for.  
BAGGOT _(roughly at the same time)_ Have we been waiting for you?  
ROSENCRANTZ What are you waiting for?  
GREEN _(speaking simultaneously with ROSENCRANTZ)_ I don't think so.  
BUSHY _(simultaneously)_ Who sent for you?  
EVERYONE The king. _(spoken in various tones of voice, just close enough to simultaneously that at least two people are speaking at the same time. ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN pronounce it as a statement, while BUSHY and GREEN phrase it as a doubtful question, and BAGGOT as something not unlike an insult or curse)_  
ROSENCRANTZ Are you waiting for the king?  
BUSHY Are we waiting for the king?  
GREEN Who is the king?  
GUILDENSTERN Are we playing questions?  
BUSHY What is playing questions?  
BAGGOT _(impatiently)_ No. _(not adding 'to everything', but clearly implying it)_  
ROSENCRANTZ Statement, love. You lose.  
BAGGOT Don't call me that. _(reflexively)_  
BUSHY _(curiously)_ Why? It never bothered you before.  
BAGGOT _(gesturing in annoyance)_ Yes, but he isn't…  
GUILDENSTERN _(encouraging)_ He isn't?  
GREEN Allowed. He isn't allowed.  
ROSENCRANTZ Who is?  
BUSHY The king.  
GUILDENSTERN Our king?  
GREEN Our king.  
ROSENCRANTZ Are they the same?  
GREEN Probably not.  
GUILDENSTERN Why not?  
BUSHY _(a statement of fact rather than an accusation)_ You are not very pretty.  
ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN _(interrupting him, speaking simultaneously, each pointing at the other, in tones of great offence)_ He is!  
BUSHY _(as though not noticing the interruption)_ And you smell of horses.  
GUILDENSTERN Are you saying we need a bath?  
ROSENCRANTZ _(leaning over to smell GUILDENSTERN's neck, then wrinkling his nose)_ We probably do.  
GUILDENSTERN _(sternly)_ After we meet the king.  
ROSENCRANTZ When will that be, do you think?  
BAGGOT _(covering his nose)_ Soon, hopefully.  
ROSENCRANTZ It's not that bad, surely?  
GREEN _(calmly)_ It is not. _(motions for BAGGOT to remain silent)_ Do you know why the king wishes to see you? _(in a tone that clearly indicates he is interested in changing the subject rather than the answer to this specific question)_  
GUILDENSTERN We have not seen him yet, how would we know?  
BUSHY He must have sent for you for a reason?  
ROSENCRANTZ We weren't told.  
GUILDENSTERN But we were told it was urgent.  
BAGGOT So shouldn't you be on your way?  
GREEN _(shushing BAGGOT)_ Let them rest for a while, they must have been travelling all day.  
GUILDENSTERN Have we?  
ROSENCRANTZ We must have, it is evening already.  
GUILDENSTERN Then what happened to the afternoon?  
ROSENCRANTZ The afternoon?  
GUILDENSTERN Well, there must have been an afternoon, if there is an evening. And I can't remember it. Can you?  
ROSENCRANTZ Of course I can. It must have happened.  
GUILDENSTERN So you can't actually remember.  
BUSHY Excuse me, but do you often find yourself forgetting afternoons?  
ROSENCRANTZ I couldn't remember.  
GREEN What can you remember?  
GUILDENSTERN We were sent for by the king.  
BUSHY Is there anything else? Would you know where the king is? Or what he is requiring of you?  
ROSENCRANTZ No.  
GREEN Would you know how you have become acquainted with the king?  
GUILDENSTERN Apparently, we used to be at university with his son.  
BAGGOT He doesn't have a son.  
ROSENCRANTZ He does.  
BAGGOT He doesn't.  
GUILDENSTERN Your king doesn't. Ours does.  
GREEN Who is your king then?  
ROSENCRANTZ He's the king of Denmark.  
BUSHY Denmark?  
ROSENCRANTZ Denmark.  
BAGGOT _(derisively)_ We don't believe in Denmark.  
GUILDENSTERN _(more amused than offended)_ Where would you be from then?  
BAGGOT England.  
ROSENCRANTZ We don't believe in England.  
GUILDENSTERN It's a conspiracy of cartographers.  
BUSHY But we are from England.  
ROSENCRANTZ Have you met the king?  
 _(silence)_  
BAGGOT We have. _(with a breaking voice)_  
GUILDENSTERN Forgive us. Were we not supposed to ask?  
GREEN It might be better to talk of something else, yes.  
ROSENCRANTZ How long have you been here, then?  
BUSHY Some time.  
BAGGOT Not very long.  
GREEN It is rather difficult to tell.  
GUILDENSTERN So you do not remember.  
BUSHY The trees were already bearing fruit when I first arrived.  
ROSENCRANTZ Not for very long, then.  
GUILDENSTERN Where were you before?  
 _(BUSHY, BAGGOT, and GREEN exchange concerned looks)_  
BAGGOT England.  
BUSHY Have you been here for long? _(obviously wanting to change the subject)_  
GUILDENSTERN We were sent for.  
ROSENCRANTZ This morning.  
BUSHY So you haven't been here long, either.  
GREEN And you are from Denmark?  
ROSENCRANTZ Yes.  
BUSHY What university did you study at?  
GUILDENSTERN Wittenberg.  
BAGGOT I can't seem to recall a university with that name.  
ROSENCRANTZ Where did you go to university, then?  
GREEN We didn't.  
GUILDENSTERN How could you have met the king, then?  
 _(hostile silence from BUSHY, BAGGOT, and GREEN)_  
ROSENCRANTZ Do you like apples? _(apparently asking the very first thing that has come to mind)_  
BUSHY _(hastily)_ Yes! I like apples. Do you like apricots?  
ROSENCRANTZ Yes.  
BUSHY Could I offer you a few?  
ROSENCRANTZ Yes, please. _(follows BUSHY to the apricot trees upstage)_  
 _(GUILDENSTERN, as forced by the chain binding them, moves to follow them for just long enough that the chain between his and ROSENCRANTZ's wrists is stretched taut. surprisingly, the chain easily allows for several metres of distance between the two)_  
GUILDENSTERN _(contritely)_ Forgive me, I was not thinking.  
GREEN Of course.  
BAGGOT You were the prince's friends, then?  
GUILDENSTERN We were.  
GREEN We you his _(hesitates for a moment)_ particular friends?  
GUILDENSTERN Particular friends?  
BAGGOT Were you close?  
GUILDENSTERN I fear I do not understand the question?  
GREEN Then the answer would probably be no.  
GUILDENSTERN The answer to what?  
ROSENCRANTZ Would you like some apricots?  
 _(general silence, while apricots are being eaten)_  
BUSHY So, you have travelled the continent, I assume?  
GUILDENSTERN Only in a rather limited fashion.  
ROSENCRANTZ Being a student does not usually allow for extravagant travels.  
BUSHY Do you enjoy hunting, then?  
GUILDENSTERN Hunting?  
 _(momentary silence while this answer is considered carefully)_  
BUSHY _(seemingly scrambling for a subject of conversation)_ Do you play?  
ROSENCRANTZ Play?  
GUILDENSTERN Gamble?  
ROSENCRANTZ Not usually.  
BUSHY Acting.  
GUILDENSTERN _(sharply)_ No.  
GREEN A subject to be avoided?  
ROSENCRANTZ If you would, please.  
 _(silence while a new subject for conversation is being contemplated)_  
BAGGOT Why are you chained together?  
ROSENCRANTZ _(confusedly)_ Chained together?  
GUILDENSTERN _(lifting his wrist in illustration)_ Chained together.  
ROSENCRANTZ This would be a rather long and complicated story, and I don't think you would want to hear it.  
GUILDENSTERN You have forgotten, then.  
ROSENCRANTZ _(indignant)_ I have not!  
BUSHY Would you tell us, then?  
GUILDENSTERN There had been an incident.  
ROSENCRANTZ We were travelling to see the king.  
GUILDENSTERN And there was a dreadful fog.  
ROSENCRANTZ And it simply seemed more practical.  
GUILDENSTERN Especially after we lost our horses.  
GREEN You lost your horses?  
ROSENCRANTZ Or maybe they lost us.  
BAGGOT Would you like our help in trying to find them?  
GUILDENSTERN I'm not sure it would be worth the effort.  
ROSENCRANTZ And we wouldn't wish to trouble you unduly.  
GREEN Oh, we would be delighted to help.  
BUSHY Would you know where you lost them?  
 _(ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN exchange uncomfortable glances)_  
GUILDENSTERN You really shouldn't bother. We will be just fine, even without our horses.  
BAGGOT So you won't have too far to travel yet?  
ROSENCRANTZ I wouldn't know.  
GREEN But you must know where you are going.  
GUILDENSTERN We are going to see the king.  
ROSENCRANTZ We have been sent for.  
BUSHY But where are you supposed to have been sent for from?  
GUILDENSTERN The royal court, I would assume.  
BUSHY _(apparently realising the futility of the subject)_ Are you married?  
GUILDENSTERN _(looking at his hand, apparently looking for a wedding ring)_ I wouldn't think so.  
GREEN _(sternly, to BUSHY)_ They are rather too young to be married yet.  
BUSHY _(defensively)_ I was not much older when King… _(breaking off hurriedly)_  
BAGGOT That was not a marriage!  
GUILDENSTERN _(with dawning comprehension)_ So you were the king's _(searches for the right expression)_ particular friend?  
GREEN Friends.  
ROSENCRANTZ _(astonished)_ All three of you?  
BAGGOT Is there something wrong with that?  
ROSENCRANTZ _(guilelessly)_ Well, I would not want to have to share his _(gesturing at GUILDENSTERN)_ affections with three other people.  
GUILDENSTERN You don't have my affections.  
ROSENCRANTZ Which makes me even less inclined to share, wouldn't you think?  
GREEN _(cautiously, to ROSENCRANTZ)_ Would he _(gesturing at GUILDENSTERN)_ have your affections?  
ROSENCRANTZ Obviously.  
GUILDENSTERN _(surprised and annoyed in equal measure)_ You could have mentioned this at some point! We have been sharing a bed for some years now!  
ROSENCRANTZ Which might be precisely the reason I never mentioned it.  
GUILDENSTERN Why? Don't you trust me?  
ROSENCRANTZ _(in a small and helpless tone of voice)_ Of course I do! I just didn't want to make you uncomfortable.  
GUILDENSTERN Why would that make me uncomfortable?  
ROSENCRANTZ _(impatient)_ Because I, as you have just pointed you, do not have your affections!  
GUILDENSTERN And why would that be a problem?  
ROSENCRANTZ You might not want to share a bed with someone who would much rather… _(breaking off, blushing)_  
GUILDENSTERN Who would much rather?  
 _(ROSENCRANTZ looks away uncomfortably, clearly feeling he might have said too much)_  
GREEN Maybe you would like to tell us what, precisely, you have been studying?  
GUILDENSTERN _(gratefully)_ I have been rather interested in the sciences, and my dear Rosencrantz has been spending his time reading law and philosophy. _(turning to ROSENCRANTZ)_ I would also like to have it noted that I do not mind sharing a bed with you at all. _(turning back to GREEN)_ I had been hoping to find some time for the study of medicine and anatomy, when we were called away by the king.  
BUSHY That seems a fairly demanding course of studies?  
ROSENCRANTZ It serves to keep one from conjuring devils.  
BUSHY _(excitedly)_ Oh, that was at Wittenberg, wasn't it? The magician? What was his name again? Faust? We've heard all about that, it seemed like such a curious waste of power, though we would have to commend his visit to the pope!  
ROSENCRANTZ _(startled at this sudden outburst)_ Yes, that was at Wittenberg. Poor fellow, this Doctor Faustus. I knew him well…  
GUILDENSTERN _(sternly disapproving)_ You did not.  
BAGGOT _(under his breath)_ Alas poor Yorick.  
GUILDENSTERN Don't.  
 _(silence)_  
BUSHY Apologies.  
ROSENCRANTZ Have you ever travelled to Verona?  
GREEN Verona?  
ROSENCRANTZ _(absentmindedly)_ Italy.  
GREEN _(turning to confer with BAGGOT and BUSHY)_ I would not think so.  
ROSENCRANTZ Have you heard of it then?  
BAGGOT Why would we?  
GUILDENSTERN There was an incident you might have heard of?  
GREEN An incident?  
ROSENCRANTZ A lot of people seem to have died.  
BUSHY When do they ever not.  
GUILDENSTERN We have not died yet, have we?  
 _(silence)_  
GUILDENSTERN _(insistently)_ Have we?  
BUSHY _(shyly)_ I don't know.  
GUILDENSTERN How can you not know!  
BUSHY How would I know?  
GREEN Are we not granted eternal life or torment?  
GUILDENSTERN _(patiently, as though speaking to a small and slightly slow child)_ But surely, you would remember if you had died at some point?  
BAGGOT Would we?  
GREEN Probably.  
BUSHY What would dying feel like, then?  
GUILDENSTERN How would I know, I have never yet died before!  
ROSENCRANTZ How can we know?  
GUILDENSTERN We would remember.  
ROSENCRANTZ The same way we would remember our own names?  
 _(silence)_  
GUILDENSTERN _(defeatedly)_ The same way we would remember our own names.  
GREEN _(in a rather clumsy attempt at offering comfort)_ But you seem to remember your names?  
GUILDENSTERN But not who they belong to.  
BUSHY _(curiously)_ So, you might not remember whether you, personally, ever died, but you might have a recollection whether either of you has encountered death?  
ROSENCRANTZ I wouldn't know.  
BUSHY _(to GUILDENSTERN)_ You wanted to study medicine? _(waits for GUILDENSTERN to nod)_ So, would you have any idea how to tell whether someone is dead or not?  
GUILDENSTERN _(cautiously)_ Usually, if there are significant amounts of their body missing, that would be a rather certain indication.  
GREEN Significant amounts?  
GUILDENSTERN Their head, usually.  
BUSHY And if they still have their heads?  
GUILDENSTERN They might have other significant injuries, or trouble keeping their inner organs on their inside.  
BUSHY _(after glancing around and noticing that this description would not fit any of their company)_ Would there be anything else that might indicate death having occurred?  
GUILDENSTERN _(hesitatingly)_ The absence of a heartbeat would usually be considered a bad sign.  
BUSHY _(worriedly)_ I can't feel my heartbeat?  
GUILDENSTERN You can't, just like that. You have to feel for it.  
BUSHY _(placing a hand on his chest)_ I still can't feel it.  
GUILDENSTERN Not there, that won't work.  
GREEN _(rather confusedly)_ But isn't that where the heart would be?  
GUILDENSTERN There are bones covering it. You will not be able to feel much through your ribcage.  
ROSENCRANTZ Unless your heart was beating extremely quickly or hard.  
BAGGOT So you cannot tell whether a calm person is merely calm or dead?  
GUILDENSTERN You could feel for someone's heartbeat at a point other than their heart.  
BUSHY At what point?  
GUILDENSTERN _(after a moment's contemplation, turning to ROSENCRANTZ)_ Remove your shirt, please.  
 _(ROSENCRANTZ carefully removes his shirt, as well he can, eventually leaving it to hang by its sleeve on the chain of their handcuffs)_  
GUILDENSTERN Thank you.  
 _(He starts manhandling ROSENCRANTZ with a surprising amount of tenderness, until they stand face to face, with BUSHY, BAGGOT, and GREEN standing to face them, BUSHY apparently curious, BAGGOT distrustful, and GREEN apparently entirely unaffected.)_  
 _(GUILDENSTERN steps forward, hands closing around ROSENCRANTZ's wrists, the whole scene underscored by Ravel's[Bolero](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KK23BhEQVyU) or Steve Reich's [Drumming](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IrQCYW6fv60))_  
GUILDENSTERN There are the ulnar and radial pulses, located over the ulnar and radial bone of the forearm. _(here turning ROSENCRANTZ's hands, so that his palms are facing up, and then closing his hands, so that his thumb rests over the radial, and his little finger and ring-finger over the ulnar pulse)_ The next one moving upward would be the brachial pulse, on the inside of your elbow joint. _(moving his hands upwards from ROSENCRANTZ's wrists, palms resting against ROSENCRANTZ's forearms and elbows, with his thumb resting carelessly against the pulse points)_ And then, probably easiest to find, would be the axillary pulse, between shoulder and armpit. _(his hands close over ROSENCRANTZ's shoulders, thumb resting against yet another pulse point)_ And from here, we move away from the heart again, to the carotid pulse, _(dragging his fingers over ROSENCRATZ's neck, his index fingers settling just left and right of ROSENCRANT's adam's apple)_ , and then the facial pulse, underneath the jawbone, _(his fingers tracing upwards to rest on the next point)_ and then the temporal pulse. _(his fingers slide into ROSENCRANTZ's hair, and his thumbs settle against ROSENCRATZ's temples)_  
ROSENCRANTZ _(his breath going noticeably harder, and a slight blush setting over his face and chest)_ Can I get dressed again, please?  
GUILDENSTERN _(smiling delightedly)_ Oh, we're not quite done, yet. _(dragging his hands downwards again, palms resting against ROSENCRANTZ's pectorals)_ The apical pulse, of course, could be found left of the breastbone, but in a state of rest, the heartbeat would not usually be strong enough to be felt through the ribcage. _(with a smile that falls somewhere between pleased and dangerous, GUILDENSTERN's hands slide lower yet, and ROSENCRANTZ's draws in a deep breath)_ And then, the last pulse point that can easily be found on a person standing upright, without removing the shoes, would of course be the femoral pulse, midway between the hip-bone and the groin. _(and here his hands land on ROSENCRANTZ's bare hips, thumbs tracing the line of his hipbone downwards, until resting just underneath the waistband of ROSENCRANTZ's trousers, and the muscles in GUILDENSTERN's arms stand out, his thumbs pressing hard enough against the muscles that he can feel the pulse he is looking for)_  
 _(ROSENCRANTZ, drawing a sharp breath, abruptly steps back, jerking his shirt back on, gaze averted from everyone, the blush on his cheeks darkening with every passing second, and the music stops abruptly)_  
BAGGOT That was cruel.  
GUILDENSTERN Was it?  
GREEN It might seem that way, especially as you seem unwilling to let this progress any further.  
GUILDENSTERN Who said that?  
ROSENCRANTZ You did.  
GUILDENSTERN I did not.  
BUSHY He does have a heartbeat, then?  
GUILDENSTERN Yes.  
BUSHY So we can be fairly certain that he is alive.  
GUILDENSTERN Yes.  
ROSENCRANTZ _(pulling his shirt down as far as it will stretch)_ It was rather cruel.  
GUILDENSTERN _(unconcerned)_ I shall make it up to you.  
 _(before inquiries can be made as to how, precisely, this would be done, a bleating is heard off stage. everyone turns to look, curious but not overly concerned)_  
 _(after a moment, a single sheep stumbles onto the scene, to the opening of Smetana's[Die Moldau](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gTKsHwqaIr4))_  
BUSHY It's a sheep?  
 _(a second sheep follows)_  
GREEN Two sheep.  
 _(a third sheep follows)_  
GUILDENSTERN It would count as a flock of sheep now.  
 _(during the following conversation, more and more sheep walk out on stage, until the stage is mostly covered in sheep, at which point the music stops)_  
ROSENCRANTZ Would we not need at least four sheep to make up a flock?  
BAGGOT We do not need any sheep.  
GREEN _(consolingly)_ We do not have any sheep. They aren't ours.  
BUSHY But who would they belong to then? There is no one but us here.  
GUILDENSTERN Do we know this, or are we just assuming it?  
ROSENCRANTZ We have seen no houses, and have not encountered anyone on our way here.  
BUSHY You might have overlooked them. _(turning to GREEN)_ Would you have noticed any manifestations of civilisation?  
GREEN _(with a gesture rather indicating that everyone else is missing a rather obvious detail)_ There are two perfectly well-kept apricot trees not ten metres from where we stand.  
ROSENCRANTZ Would they necessarily indicate the presence of people?  
GREEN Well, someone must have planted them, and cut them, and harvested the apricots.  
GUILDENSTERN And where would that person be now?  
BAGGOT _(deadpan)_ They must be herding the sheep, of course.  
ROSENCRANTZ Maybe they have family members who could her their sheep for them?  
BUSHY Or maybe they have lost their sheep. After all, between the two of you, you have already managed to lose two horses?  
GUILDENSTERN But surely, horses would be easier to lose. They're much more quiet, and there are significantly fewer of them.  
GREEN But wouldn't they also be bigger?  
ROSENCRANTZ Have you ever lost a horse?  
GREEN _(sharply)_ I have had my last horse stolen.  
GUILDENSTERN Oh. One of those things we should rather not mention.  
GREEN Yes.  
GUILDENSTERN Forgive me. However, sheep will rarely go anywhere alone, while horses will rarely go anywhere in company. And any flock of four or five sheep will take up considerably more space than a solitary horse ever could.  
BUSHY Could we use the sheep to find the horses then?  
ROSENCRANTZ How would we do that?  
GREEN Well, we could ask them nicely.  
BUSHY _(addressing the sheep, articulating very, very clearly and slowly)_ Have. You. Seen. A. Horse. Please?  
 _(the sheep keep wandering on stage and bleating, apparently ignoring the question)_  
GUILDENSTERN I don't think that this will work.  
ROSENCRANTZ _(unimpressed, again addressing the sheep)_ Horse. Very, very big. Many legs. You. See horse?  
BAGGOT They don't understand you! They're sheep!  
GREEN _(in a rather unsubtle attempt to annoy BAGGOT)_ Sheep. You. See. Horses?  
GUILDENSTERN _(exasperated and slightly embarrassed)_ Will you stop talking to the sheep, please?  
ROSENCRANTZ It had to be worth trying.  
BAGGOT To what end?  
ROSENCRANTZ _(pulling a golden coin from a small leather bag hanging from his belt and throwing it to GUILDENSTERN)_ Heads.  
GUILDENSTERN _(catching the coin, turning it onto his wrist)_ Heads. It had to be worth trying. _(hands the coin back to ROSENCRANTZ, who puts it back into the bag)_  
ROSENCRANTZ It hasn't changed, then.  
GUILDENSTERN Changed from what?  
ROSENCRANTZ _(hesitantly)_ I might need to reconsider my disbelief in England.  
GUILDENSTERN Why?  
ROSENCRANTZ _([singing](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bn92snkIO9I&list=UUm0ZKX4MaBd8rXUbVBLP7vA) quietly) (during the song, the sheep slowly trot off-stage again, rather unimpressed by the singing)_  
When that I was and a little tiny boy  
With hey, ho, the wind and the rain  
A foolish thing was but a toy,  
For the rain it raineth every day.  
BUSHY _(delightedly, apparently recognising the song)_  
But when I came to man's estate,  
With hey, ho, the wind and the rain,  
'Gainst knave and thief men shut their gate,  
For the rain it raineth every day.  
GREEN and BAGGOT _(joining GREEN)_  
But when I came, alas! to wive,  
With hey, ho, the wind and the rain,  
By swaggering could I never thrive,  
For the rain it raineth every day.

But when I came unto my bed,  
With hey, ho, the wind and the rain,  
With toss-pots still had drunken head,  
For the rain it raineth every day.

A great while ago the world begun,  
With hey, ho, the wind and the rain,  
But that's all one, our play is done,  
And we'll strive to please you every day.  
GUILDENSTERN _(now significantly more than only slightly concerned)_ Should I take this to mean that we have indeed been to England?  
ROSENCRANTZ Were we planning on going to England?  
GUILDENSTERN We must have at some point.  
BUSHY What would you have been planning to do in England?  
ROSENCRANTZ I don't think we ever had any plans of going to England.  
GREEN _(apparently seriously considering this conundrum)_ Might someone have sent you to England?  
GUILDENSTERN We have been sent for by the king of Denmark, not of England.  
GREEN Would the king possibly have sent you to England?  
ROSENCRANTZ _(uncertainly)_ I don't think we have met the king yet.  
BUSHY So would it not be better to see the king first, before planning further travels?  
ROSENCRANTZ _(slightly embarrassed)_ I don't think we know where he is.  
BUSHY But you were on your way there?  
GUILDENSTERN The horses seemed to know.  
GREEN Shouldn't you have taken better care of them then?  
ROSENCRANTZ It wasn't our fault! It was dark and foggy!  
GREEN _(consolingly)_ Yes, we understood. We will find your horses again. Everything will be fine.  
GUILDENSTERN We didn't find our own horses again. What makes you think you would be more likely to succeed?  
BUSHY _(teasingly)_ Well, we have the sheep to help us.  
ROSENCRANTZ We don't have them, they just left!  
BUSHY They might bring the horses when they come back.  
GUILDENSTERN You are not seriously trusting a flock of sheep to find and return our horses.  
BUSHY Not entirely, no. But maybe this would prove easier if you could tell us where, precisely, you have lost your horses.  
ROSENCRANTZ It was very dark and foggy! We couldn't see them!  
BUSHY Would you know how long ago you've lost your horses?  
GUILDENSTERN It must have been some time today, certainly.  
BUSHY In the morning or afternoon?  
ROSENCRANTZ _(doubtfully)_ Morning?  
BUSHY Late or early morning?  
GUILDENSTERN We set off just after dawn, so it should not have been too late.  
BUSHY Have you met anyone before losing your horses?  
ROSENCRANTZ There was a troop of players, I think? They rather upset Guildenstern. _(his tone implies that 'rather upsetting Guildenstern' is a crime not easily forgiven)_  
GREEN Might they possibly be connected to the disappearance of your horses?  
ROSENCRANTZ If they have the horses, I don't want them back.  
BUSHY Even on peril of never being able to find your king?  
ROSENCRANTZ They did rather upset Guildenstern.  
GREEN So what will you do now?  
BAGGOT _(sardonically)_ We'll wait.  
GUILDENSTERN _(playing along)_ What for?  
BAGGOT We'll wait.  
 _(silence)_  
ROSENCRANTZ Is there any cake?  
BAGGOT Cake?  
GUILDENSTERN Cake.  
BAGGOT Why cake?  
ROSENCRANTZ I like cake.  
BAGGOT I like chickens. That doesn't mean I expect there to be any.  
ROSENCRANTZ But there are chickens.  
 _(a chicken wanders onto the stage, Smetana's[Die Moldau](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gTKsHwqaIr4) again playing in the background)_  
BAGGOT A chicken.  
 _(a second chicken wanders onto the stage)_  
ROSENCRANTZ Chickens.  
 _(chickens start wandering on stage, much like the sheep before them)_  
BUSHY _(slightly mystified)_ Is there something about you that would attract livestock to your presence?  
GUILDENSTERN _(removing a particularly affectionate chicken from his shoulder)_ I would not have thought so, no.  
GREEN Maybe they could help finding your horses?  
ROSENCRANTZ _(removing yet another chicken from GUILDENSTERN's shoulder)_ Should we ask them nicely?  
BUSHY It might prove worth trying.  
ROSENCRANTZ _(turning to the chicken)_ Pardon me, but would you have happened to see two horses?  
 _(the chicken, after a moment of silence, clucks at ROSENCRANTZ. ROSENCRANTZ, after another moment of silence, clucks back and sets the chicken down)_  
GREEN _(picking up and addressing another chicken)_ If you cannot find the horses, could you find us some cake? _(the chicken pecks GREEN's nose, as is returned to the ground rather hastily)_  
BAGGOT What do you want cake for now?  
GREEN _(shily)_ Well, if the gentleman are unwilling to accept horses tainted by players, they might possibly appreciate a consolation prize?  
BUSHY Would you trust a chicken to bring you unpecked cake?  
GREEN _(considering this for a moment, before picking up another chicken and handing it to BUSHY)_ What would you suggest then?  
BUSHY _(accepting the chicken, looking at it carefully)_ Would you know where we could find some cake for ourselves? _(the chicken clucks at BUSHY, and then manages to wriggle out of his hands, to sit on GUILDENSTERN's shoulder)_  
GUILDENSTERN Or, if I am going to be covered in various farm animals for the remainder of this day, it might be possible to find a possibility for me to take a bath?  
ROSENCRANTZ _(blushing)_ Oh. _(removing the chicken from GUILDENSTERN's shoulder, addressing it in a nervous whisper)_ Would that be possible, please?  
 _(the chicken clucks, and then pecks at ROSENCRANTZ's hands in a manner that might seem almost affectionate)_  
 _(ROSENCRANTZ sets down the chicken, which takes a moment to investigate GUILDENSTERN's shoes, and then exits stage left)_  
BAGGOT So that's a no on the cake, then?  
GREEN I thought you didn't want cake?  
BAGGOT _(shrugging)_ I seem to have received chickens, it seems only fair.  
BUSHY Does anyone know where the chickens came from?  
BAGGOT Do we need to?  
BUSHY Well, it seems rather strange, so shortly after the sheep. Especially seeing as chickens, unlike sheep, do not tend to wander about.  
GREEN Should we be worried?  
BUSHY Not necessarily. But curiosity might be worth the effort.  
GUILDENSTERN So, should we try and investigate this further?  
ROSENCRANTZ Can we investigate this further?  
BAGGOT Why should you not?  
GUILDENSTERN If it doesn't help us to find the king, it usually turns out to be impossible.  
BAGGOT Then this conversation is helping you to find your king?  
GUILDENSTERN Probably.  
ROSENCRANTZ Necessarily.  
GREEN Then have you come any closer to finding him since we have made your acquaintance?  
GUILDENSTERN I wouldn't think so.  
BUSHY Then why can you do it?  
ROSENCRANTZ _(again procuring the gold coin)_ Heads. _(throwing the coin to GUILDENSTERN)_  
GUILDENSTERN _(catching the coin, flipping it onto the back of his hand)_ Heads.  
ROSENCRANTZ _(taking the coin from GUILDENSTERN, flipping it again)_ Heads.  
GUILDENSTERN _(taking the coin back, flipping it)_ Heads again.  
BUSHY _(taking the coin, turning it over to make sure it isn't double-headed, and then flipping it)_ Heads. _(handing the coin to GREEN)_  
GREEN _(flipping the coin once more)_ Heads.  
BAGGOT _(taking the coin, flipping it)_ Heads.  
ROSENCRANTZ _(taking the coin back, and then putting it away)_ It always shows heads.  
GUILDENSTERN And nothing has changed.  
BUSHY But you are still not getting any closer to finding the king?  
ROSENCRANTZ But we must be, otherwise we couldn't be here!  
GREEN Maybe something did change. Could I have that coin again, please?  
 _(ROSENCRANTZ hands him the coin)_  
GREEN _(determinedly)_ Tails. _(flipping the coin, catching it, turning it onto his wrist)_ Tails.  
BAGGOT _(holding out his hand for the coin, and repeating the process upon receiving it)_ Tails.  
BUSHY _(taking the coin from BAGGOT, flipping it)_ Tails.  
GUILDENSTERN _(flipping the coin with a deeply suspicious look. it does not fall to either heads or tails, instead happening to stand upright on GUILDENSTERN's wrist)_ Is there an explanation for this?  
ROSENCRANTZ _(taking the coin)_ I want it to be tails. _(flipping the coin)_ Tails. _(in a satisfied and surprised tone of voice)_  
GUILDENSTERN _(taking the coin back, announcing)_ Heads. _(flipping the coin)_ Heads.  
ROSENCRANTZ _(taking the coin)_ Neither. _(flipping the coin, and catching it to land on his open palm. it's standing upright on ROSENCRANTZ's wrist now)_  
BUSHY _(cautiously)_ Is there a second coin?  
ROSENCRANTZ _(without thinking)_ No.  
GUILDENSTERN _(realising rather more quickly)_ Yes!  
 _(there are now two coins, standing side by side on ROSENCRANTZ's wrist)_  
ROSENCRANTZ Oh.  
 _(silence)_  
BAGGOT Does that mean we can wish cake into existence?  
GUILDENSTERN _(shrugging)_ There is a cake.  
 _(pause)_  
ROSENCRANTZ It doesn't seem to be working.  
BUSHY Maybe we would need to be more specific?  
GUILDENSTERN There is cinnamon-apple-pie and vanilla sauce.  
 _(pause)_  
ROSENCRANTZ Still nothing.  
BUSHY Maybe it would need more time to produce cake? After all, the coin only had to be copied, which would probably not require much effort, but there is no pie or ice cream here that could be copied.  
GREEN So we would have to wait for however long it takes to bake a cake?  
BUSHY Maybe.  
BAGGOT And how long does baking a cake usually take?  
 _(silence, while everyone exchanges uncertain glances)_  
ROSENCRANTZ An hour? Two hours?  
GUILDENSTERN We don't have that much time. We have been sent for urgently, and we have already been here for far too long.  
ROSENCRANTZ _(pleadingly)_ But. Cake.  
GREEN You could return once you have been to see the king?  
ROSENCRANTZ _(turning to GUILDENSTERN)_ Can we? Please?  
GUILDENSTERN _(fondly)_ If it makes you happy.  
BAGGOT And how will you do this, if you still don't have your horses?  
 _(while everyone contemplates this question, a bleating is heard off stage, and we are again treated to Smetana's[Die Moldau](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gTKsHwqaIr4))_  
BUSHY Did you hear that?  
GREEN Hear what?  
 _(the bleating is heard again)_  
BAGGOT _(resignedly)_ Don't tell me the sheep are back?  
 _(a sheep stumbles on stage)_  
ROSENCRANTZ The sheep are back. Sorry.  
 _(a second sheep comes on stage)_  
BAGGOT Why are the sheep back.  
 _(a third sheep comes on stage)_  
ROSENCRANTZ I don't know.  
 _(a fourth sheep comes on stage)_  
BAGGOT Can we get rid of them again?  
 _(a fifth sheep enters, holding a leather strap in its mouth)_  
ROSENCRANTZ They might leave again if we ignore them?  
 _(the fifth sheep is now close enough to recognise the leather straps as reins)_  
BAGGOT Couldn't we shout at them until they go away?  
 _(two horses, still fully saddled, enter)_  
GUILDENSTERN Can we keep the horses, though?  
BAGGOT Will you take them with you when you leave?  
ROSENCRANTZ We will need them if we ever plan to leave.  
BAGGOT Wonderful. Bon voyage, then.  
GUILDENSTERN _(apparently unphased by this rather rude phrasing)_ Yes, I think we should be on our way.  
ROSENCRANTZ _(already mounted on his horse again)_ But we'll be back as soon as possible. We have been promised pie, after all.  
 _(GUILDENSTERN mounts his horse as well, and the two of them ride off stage together, to a chorus of good-byes and see you laters and promises of cake)_  
BUSHY _(thoughtfully)_ They seemed rather nice. Do you think they will be back?  
GREEN Of course. We will have cake.  
BAGGOT Let's just hope that they won't bring the sheep back with them.  
GREEN Well, they were good company.  
BUSHY I rather liked them.  
BAGGOT But why did they have to bring sheep and chickens?  
BUSHY I don't think they brought them, the animals just happened to come along.  
 _(enter BOY)_  
BAGGOT Who are you?  
BOY Excuse me?  
BAGGOT You. Who are you. You're not a sheep, are you?  
BOY I wouldn't think so, sir.  
GREEN Then why are you here?  
BOY I was sent to deliver a message to you.  
BUSHY By whom?  
BOY I was sent to deliver a message to you.  
BAGGOT _(rolling his eyes)_ And what would that message be?  
BOY You have been waiting here?  
BUSHY Yes?  
BOY You will have to keep waiting for a bit longer.  
GREEN How much longer?  
BOY A bit longer.  
BUSHY _(hopefully)_ Do you know who or what we are waiting for?  
BOY I am sorry, but I can't tell you that.  
GREEN But you know?  
BOY No.  
BAGGOT Do you know someone who might know?  
BOY No.  
BUSHY Is there anything else you could tell us? Maybe where we are, or how we came to be here?  
BOY You are here. And you came here the way everyone comes here.  
BAGGOT And what might that way be?  
BOY The usual way.  
GREEN And what would the usual way be?  
BOY The way everyone comes here.  
BUSHY And how do we leave again?  
BOY You can't leave.  
BUSHY Why not?  
BOY You can't. It's not possible.  
BUSHY Why is it not possible?  
BOY Because it isn't.  
BAGGOT So we are here, and we are here for the same reason everyone else is here, and we will never be able to leave again. Will there at least be cake?  
BOY _(after some careful thought)_ I can't think why there shouldn't be. You might need some patience, though. Cake can be rather capricious. You might have less trouble with baked apples or pancakes.  
BUSHY _(pleasantly surprised)_ Baked apples?  
BOY Baked apples. They are rather delicious.  
BUSHY Thank you. I will investigate this further.  
BOY Have fun, then. And enjoy your evening. You might want to find yourself some pillows and blankets, and maybe a mattress or something. Those are usually not too difficult, and things are generally a lot easier to bear if you're well-rested.  
 _(he exist to the slightly confused mumbles of thanks and good-bye by BUSHY, BAGGOT, and GREEN)_  
 _(once the boy has left, BUSHY walks back to the stone, pulls a blanket and pillow from under it, and curls up to sleep under one of the apricot trees)_  
BAGGOT Good night, Bushy. _(exit stage right, a pillow under his arm)_  
GREEN Sleep well, Bushy. _(exit stage left, a blanket over his shoulder)_  
 _(curtain, to the sound of Brahms'[Wiegenlied](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6oBIJTnqXMg))_

ACT II

_(The scene opens to BUSHY, still sleeping under one of the trees. He still has his blanket and pillow, and he seems to be vastly more comfortable than at the opening of act I._  
 _In addition to this, there is now a bathtub on stage. It's wooden, and it has linen in it, and generally, it looks very medieval. It is filled with warm, even slightly steaming water._  
 _There are, currently, no chickens, sheep, or horses on stage. There is, however, a cat curled up on BUSHY's chest, and another one sprawled over his feet. He doesn't seem to notice or care._  
 _All in all, the image is rather peaceful, possibly even dreamy. If a minimalistic stage set-up is preferred, this mood could instead be supported by appropriately chosen music, for example Grieg's[Morning Mood](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kzTQ9fjforY), or the beginning of Rossini's [William Tell Overture](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xoBE69wdSkQ). _  
 _Enter BAGGOT stage right)_  
  
BAGGOT Good morning! _(loudly enough to wake BUSHY and scare away the cat)_  
BUSHY You again. Why won't you let me sleep? _(pulling a second pillow over his head, seemingly intent on ignoring his friend)_  
BAGGOT _(sitting down next to BUSHY)_ You could have offered to share. Not everyone has spent the night as comfortably as you.  
BUSHY _(handing over a pillow, and lifting the blanket to allow BAGGOT to share it)_ You haven't slept in a ditch again?  
BAGGOT I haven't slept in a ditch.  
BUSHY _(shaking his head in concern)_ You got robbed again?  
BAGGOT _(shrugs)_ I think so. Not that it matters much.  
BUSHY But why did you leave then?  
BAGGOT Why did you let me?  
BUSHY You said you wanted to.  
BAGGOT I had to.  
BUSHY You didn't have to.  
BAGGOT I did. Man can't command his humours, and mine has made me leave.  
BUSHY But you came back  
BAGGOT I did.  
BUSHY Was it worth it?  
BAGGOT _(distractedly)_ I found a bar of soap. _(realising what BUSHY is asking)_ When I left, I didn't think I would ever see you again. _(sadly)_ And now I'm here again. _(confusedly)_ Now we're here again. _(happily)_ Now you're here again.  
BUSHY So you shouldn't have left. Or you should have asked me to come with you.  
BAGGOT What for?  
BUSHY I would have defended you.  
BAGGOT You wouldn't have been any help, there were too many.  
BUSHY I would have tried at least.  
BAGGOT And gotten hurt as well. Why do I have a bar of soap?  
BUSHY You found it.  
BAGGOT But why did I find it? Did you find one too?  
BUSHY I found a bathtub. _(gestures towards the bath)_  
BAGGOT So are we supposed to take a bath?  
BUSHY _(after a moment of careful contemplation)_ We don't have any towels.  
GREEN _(entering from stage left, while BUSHY is still speaking, carrying an improbably large collection of dubiously colourful towels)_ Are those yours?  
BAGGOT Are we supposed to take a bath now?  
BUSHY Do we need to take a bath?  
GREEN Does either of you actually want to take a bath?  
 _(silence)_  
GREEN Wonderful! So, what do we do now that we're not taking a bath?  
BAGGOT _(rolling his eyes)_ We wait.  
BUSHY For what?  
BAGGOT We wait.  
BUSHY Didn't we do that yesterday already?  
BAGGOT Did we?  
GREEN Don't you remember?  
BAGGOT Don't I remember?  
GREEN Do you?  
BAGGOT What?  
BUSHY Remember yesterday.  
BAGGOT What happened yesterday?  
BUSHY We were here yesterday, and we waited.  
BAGGOT Did we?  
GREEN We did. Don't you remember? We had apricots. And you forgot your shoes. And then two men came by.  
BAGGOT What men?  
GREEN Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.  
BUSHY Are they dead?  
BAGGOT Did we kill them?  
GREEN What? No!  
BUSHY But why are they not here anymore?  
GREEN The king sent for them.  
BUSHY Ours?  
GREEN Theirs.  
BAGGOT _(absentmindedly)_ They smelt of horses.  
BUSHY So you do remember!  
BAGGOT That was here?  
BUSHY _(exasperated)_ Your shoes are still here!  
BAGGOT Ah. Yes. _(goes to try and put his shoes back on)_  
GREEN So you do recognise the place?  
BAGGOT Of course not, I have never been here before.  
BUSHY But you have to, we've spent all of yesterday evening here.  
BAGGOT I have not! Stop trying to lie to me!  
BUSHY We are not!  
BAGGOT Maybe I should just leave.  
BUSHY Leave?  
BAGGOT Leave! There's no use wasting my time with you.  
BUSHY But we're waiting!  
BAGGOT Whom for!  
GREEN We're waiting!  
BAGGOT We're not! _(starts to leave)_  
BUSHY _(to GREEN)_ Should we do something?  
GREEN _(to BUSHY)_ I don't think, he'll come back soon enough.  
BUSHY So, what will we do until then?  
GREEN We could talk about something.  
BUSHY What about?  
GREEN Something that won't be upsetting. Something we can agree on. Otherwise he'll just leave again the moment he comes back.  
BUSHY The weather is nice.  
GREEN It is.  
BUSHY It was nice yesterday as well.  
GREEN True.  
BUSHY Do you think it will be nice tomorrow as well?  
GREEN I don't know.  
 _(silence)_  
GREEN The trees look very nice.  
BUSHY Yes.  
GREEN They would be very nice in spring, in full bloom.  
BUSHY Yes.  
GREEN Who do you think planted them?  
BUSHY I don't know.  
GREEN Do you think this would be someone's garden?  
BUSHY I don't know.  
 _(silence)_  
BUSHY We could be quiet for a while?  
GREEN We can't.  
BUSHY Why not?  
GREEN We can't.  
BUSHY Is it forbidden?  
GREEN It is impossible.  
 _(silence)_  
BUSHY So what should we talk about?  
GREEN I don't know.  
BUSHY But you said we have to talk!  
GREEN I didn't.  
BUSHY You just did.  
GREEN I did not.  
 _(silence)_  
GREEN Say something!  
BUSHY What?  
GREEN Anything!  
BUSHY But what?  
GREEN You could tell a joke?  
BUSHY I don't know any jokes.  
GREEN Or you could sing.  
BUSHY And what should I sing?  
GREEN Just sing something!  
BUSHY I don't want to!  
 _(silence)_  
BUSHY We could try thinking about it.  
GREEN No.  
BUSHY Why not?  
GREEN Thinking never gets anyone anywhere.  
BUSHY But we are not trying to get anywhere, we're just passing time.  
GREEN And what shall we think about?  
BUSHY I don't know.  
GREEN Then why did you suggest it?  
BUSHY I thought you might know something.  
GREEN You shouldn't try thinking.  
 _(silence)_  
BUSHY We could take a bath.  
GREEN Do you think the water is still warm?  
BUSHY Why wouldn't it be?  
GREEN I has been standing here for some time, at least.  
 _(they cross the stage to finally take a closer look at the bathtub)_  
BUSHY It's just water. _(in tones of offended disappointment)_  
GREEN That would be a problem.  
 _(silence)_  
 _(enter BAGGOT, stage right)_  
BAGGOT _(without remarking on his sudden return)_ What have we been doing yesterday night?  
BUSHY We have been here, waiting.  
BAGGOT What for?  
GREEN Waiting.  
BAGGOT And then?  
BUSHY You really don't remember?  
BAGGOT No?  
GREEN You don't remember… _(hesitates, suddenly unsure about the names)_ Rosencrantz and…  
BUSHY Guildenstern.  
BAGGOT Who were they?  
GREEN _(with over-exaggerated slowness and patience)_ They smelt of horses.  
BUSHY And you suggested they might be in terrible need of a bath.  
BAGGOT Did I? They can't have liked that.  
GREEN They didn't seem to mind too much.  
BUSHY They agreed with you, in a manner of speaking.  
BAGGOT _(considering this for a moment)_ We have been here yesterday, and we met two men…  
BUSHY _(interrupting him)_ Boys. They were little more than boys.  
BAGGOT And we met two boys, who smelt of horses, and needed to bathe. And then?  
GREEN We talked, and they left to meet the king.  
BAGGOT Ours?  
GREEN Theirs.  
BAGGOT And then?  
BUSHY A boy arrived and told us that we would need to wait a bit longer yet. And he told us to wish for baked apples.  
GREEN _(looking determinedly innocent)_ Like these? _(handing BUSHY a bowl containing one baked apple and a spoon)_  
 _(BUSHY starts eating, apparently intent on ignoring the question, or anything else in the world, until he has finished with his apple)_  
BAGGOT Are we to assume that this is a yes?  
 _(BUSHY waves the hand clutching his spoon impatiently at them, and continues eating)_  
GREEN Do you think we could obtain breakfast and maybe something to drink for ourselves?  
BAGGOT What do you want for breakfast?  
GREEN _(thoughtfully)_ The boy mentioned pancakes, I think.  
BAGGOT _(doubtfully)_ Pancakes.  
BUSHY _(proudly)_ Pancakes. _(handing GREEN a plate)_  
GREEN Thank you.  
BAGGOT And something to drink?  
GREEN _(exchanging a glance with BUSHY)_ That would be nice.  
BUSHY Milk, please.  
BAGGOT How…?  
BUSHY _(shrugging)_ You just have to want it enough.  
BAGGOT _(with a look of pained concentration)_ Can I get some milk, please?  
 _(nothing happens)_  
BAGGOT Can I get some milk, please?  
 _(nothing happens)_  
BAGGOT Milk. Please.  
 _(nothing happens)_  
BUSHY Maybe you're asking the wrong question?  
BAGGOT The wrong question?  
GREEN Maybe you need to be more specific?  
BAGGOT _(throwing his hands up in a gesture of exasperated defeat)_ Can I please have three normal-sized cups of cold cow's milk, please?  
 _(the cups appear, placed such that only the quick reactions from BUSHY and GREEN keep BAGGOT from having spilt milk all over his clothes)_  
BAGGOT Why did that not happen to you?  
GREEN What?  
BAGGOT The things you wished for didn't spill.  
BUSHY Oh. Should we try again?  
BAGGOT I don't want milk spilt over me.  
GREEN _(emptying his cup in one long draught, then licking the milk off his upper lips)_ We could try with water. But breakfast, first.  
 _(they eat and drink, and BAGGOT seems to get increasingly more annoyed as the other two manage to obtain cinnamon and apricot jam and sugar syrup for their pancakes, while he seems stuck with conjuring whole apples or chickens)_  
 _(the chickens, appear again to the opening melody of Smetana's[Moldau](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gTKsHwqaIr4), and they wander off stage as soon as they appear)_  
BAGGOT _(sulkily)_ Why can't I have nice things?!  
GREEN You only have to ask. _(uses his spoon to cut off a piece of pancake, and then offers it to BAGGOT)_  
BAGGOT _(taking the offered food)_ Thank you. _(flatly)_  
BUSHY _(absentmindedly feeding BAGGOT another piece of pancake)_ It hardly seems fair, though, that we can simply wish for things, and he gets chickens instead.  
GREEN _(feeding BAGGOT yet another piece of pancake)_ Maybe he wishes for chickens accidentally?  
BUSHY _(holding out another piece of pancake for BAGGOT, but this time with his fingers instead of with his spoon)_ Why would he accidentally wish for chickens?  
BAGGOT _(after taking the offered bite of pancake and then biting BUSHY's fingers in something that could be affection, but could be retaliation just as well)_ I like chickens.  
BUSHY But not on your pancakes.  
BAGGOT Maybe the chickens want to be on my pancakes?  
GREEN _(pinching the bridge of his nose)_ Why.  
BAGGOT I don't know!  
BUSHY Do you think we should investigate this?  
GREEN If it makes you happy.  
BAGGOT How would we do that?  
BUSHY _(carefully, speaking to the air)_ Can I have some water, please?  
 _(a small cloud forms over BUSHY's head, and starts raining on him)_  
BAGGOT _(hurriedly)_ Stop that.  
 _(the cloud disappears)_  
BUSHY _(unphased)_ Can I have a cup of water, please?  
 _(a cup appears, in mid-air, spilling over BUSHY)_  
BUSHY _(still unphased)_ Can I have a half-pint sized cup of cold water, appearing in a way that will not make it spill, within a reasonable space of time?  
 _(this time, the cup places itself in BUSHY's hand, and not a drop is spilt)_  
GREEN But I never phrased my orders this clearly?  
BAGGOT Maybe that's the problem?  
GREEN Pardon?  
BAGGOT _(closing his eyes for a brief moment, and then holding up a plate of pancakes with syrup and apricot jam)_ Maybe the words are what makes it go wrong.  
BUSHY _(in dawning understanding)_ And if we just imagine something, trying to picture it, then it won't be confused, and we'll have much better chances at getting what we want!  
GREEN Should we leave then, to find the others? Bring them some pie?  
BUSHY We can't.  
BAGGOT Why?  
BUSHY We're waiting.  
BAGGOT What for?  
BUSHY We're waiting.  
GREEN Is there anything else we could be doing?  
BAGGOT _(trying to put on his shoes again)_ Those are not my shoes!  
BUSHY Are you sure?  
BAGGOT Of course I'm sure.  
GREEN Why not?  
BAGGOT Well, for one, mine were brown. Those are bright orange! _(said as though that colour were a personal offence)_  
GREEN Are they?  
BAGGOT Of course they are, can't you see?  
BUSHY But apart from that, is there a problem with them?  
BAGGOT Why would anyone take my shoes?  
BUSHY Maybe they liked them better than theirs.  
BAGGOT But why? They don't fit!  
GREEN They don't fit you.  
BAGGOT Maybe.  
BUSHY So, are those orange ones better?  
BAGGOT I don't know, I can't put them on!  
BUSHY _(with a sigh that could be both exasperation or fondness)_ Do you want me to help you?  
BAGGOT Yes please.  
BUSHY Sit down, then.  
 _(BAGGOT looks around for a while, finally settling on the rock in the middle of the scene)_  
 _(BUSHY kneels at his feet, helps him put on the shoes. this happens with a considerate amount of care and almost tenderness, which seems to surprise or trouble none of the three)_  
BAGGOT _(standing again, with BUSHY still kneeling)_ Those do fit better. Apart from the colour. _(ruffling his hand through BUSHY's hair)_ Thank you.  
BUSHY My pleasure. _(stands again)_  
GREEN You could fix the colour, if you wanted?  
BAGGOT I could.  
GREEN You could turn them brown.  
BAGGOT Then I could not tell them apart from mine.  
BUSHY But you don't have yours anymore.  
BAGGOT Maybe they'll be returned again when the person who took them realises they don't fit.  
GREEN But why would you even want yours back, if they don't fit?  
BAGGOT Because they're mine.  
BUSHY But why do you even want to be wearing shoes? Neither of us does.  
BAGGOT _(looking at everyone's feet)_ Oh. People wear shoes. Not wearing shoes is just rude.  
GREEN So are we being rude now?  
BAGGOT _(uncertain)_ Yes.  
BUSHY Should we find some shoes?  
BAGGOT No, I think it's fine.  
GREEN So you could take off yours again?  
BAGGOT They're not mine.  
BUSHY Could you take off the shoes you are currently wearing?  
BAGGOT _(smiling)_ Could you help me?  
 _(and BUSHY, kneeling again at BAGGOT's feet, helps him remove his shoes again)_  
 _(they stand barefeet on the grass for a while, apparently lost in thought)_  
GREEN Would anyone like a carrot?  
BAGGOT I don't like carrots.  
GREEN You don't? I thought you did.  
BAGGOT I don't. Bushy does.  
BUSHY I don't. You do.  
 _(silence)_  
BAGGOT _(after a while)_ So can I have a carrot now, please?  
GREEN I thought you don't like carrots?  
BAGGOT I don't. Can I have one?  
GREEN _(handing him a carrot)_ Bushy? You too?  
BUSHY No, thanks.  
GREEN What do we do now?  
BAGGOT While waiting?  
GREEN While waiting.  
BUSHY We could take a bath.  
GREEN But it's only water.  
BUSHY We could ask for oils?  
BAGGOT Don't you think those would be more complicated than pancakes?  
BUSHY We have time.  
GREEN And what do we do while we wait?  
BAGGOT We could try and find shoes.  
BUSHY But you just said it was fine to go without shoes.  
BAGGOT It's still rude.  
BUSHY But you are not usually the one to be concerned about rudeness?  
BAGGOT But it's rude.  
GREEN And why do you suddenly mind?  
BAGGOT Because of the shoes. Shoes are important. You can't just not have shoes.  
BUSHY We seem to be doing just fine without them.  
GREEN And so did you for the last twelve hours.  
BAGGOT That might be true, but it doesn't change anything.  
BUSHY Then what would?  
BAGGOT About the shoes?  
GREEN Yes, about the shoes.  
BAGGOT The shoes don't change.  
BUSHY But we don't have shoes.  
BAGGOT And it's rude.  
BUSHY Do we need to do something about it?  
GREEN Should we wish for shoes?  
BUSHY _(thoughtfully)_ How complicated do you think shoes are?  
GREEN _(carefully examining the shoes)_ These do not look too complicated.  
BUSHY So the leather would need tanning, and cutting, and then sewing together? _(considers this for a moment)_ Do you think they would need to hunt and kill the necessary animals first?  
BAGGOT _(annoyed)_ Maybe just find a cobbler?  
BUSHY Are there any cobblers here?  
BAGGOT You don't think we're the only people here?  
BUSHY There are Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, but…  
GREEN Somebody had to have planted the trees.  
BAGGOT And they would need shoes, wouldn't they.  
BUSHY Maybe they just wished for shoes?  
BAGGOT Why would they do that?  
BUSHY You just said people needed shoes!  
BAGGOT But no one wants shoes!  
GREEN Then why are we even discussing this?!  
BAGGOT Because we have to have shoes!  
 _(before a retort can be made, the first notes of Prokofiev's '[Dance of the Knights](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YMrSPOWrYGA)' begin to play, and the subject is dropped, while BUSHY, BAGGOT, and GREEN move cautiously away from the music)_  
 _(when they reach stage left, the music stops for a moment, and quiet falls over the stage, before ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN stumble on stage, to the sound of, again, Albrechtsberger's[concerto](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=30y_NzRLT_g) for jew's harp. they are not wearing shoes, or their handcuffs, for that matter, and they seem to have lost their horses again. in addition, GUILDENSTERN is carrying a rather large bundle of various cloths without any immediately apparent purpose, and ROSENCRANTZ is carrying a small wooden crate-like construction holding various vials of what seem to be bath oils)_  
 _(when they reach the stone and bathtub, GUILDENSTERN sits down on the stone, while ROSENCRANTZ remains standing, swaying gently back and forth, his eyes closed, and apparently utterly relaxed)_  
 _(GUILDENSTERN starts examining the bundle of cloth, slowly separating it into various shirts, braies, doublets, and hosen, and revealing several pairs of boots of varying heights at its centre)_  
 _(after this has been going on for several moments, BUSHY, BAGGOT, and GREEN approach the two of them rather cautiously)_  
BUSHY _(whispering, gesturing to ROSENCRANTZ)_ What's wrong with him?  
GUILDENSTERN _(still busy separating clothes)_ Oh, he's just asleep.  
GREEN Asleep?  
GUILDENSTERN _(shrugging)_ He sleepwalks sometimes.  
BAGGOT Who are you?  
GUILDENSTERN Baggot, is it? I believe we have met already, yesterday.  
BAGGOT I can't remember you.  
GUILDENSTERN I seem to have that effect on nobles.  
GREEN What effect?  
GUILDENSTERN I am apparently rather forgettable.  
BUSHY Just because Baggot couldn't remember you?  
GUILDENSTERN He wasn't the first. And he probably won't be the last.  
GREEN And is there nothing you can do about it?  
GUILDENSTERN Would I need to?  
BAGGOT You lost your horses again, didn't you?  
GUILDENSTERN Returned them, actually.  
BUSHY To whom?  
GUILDENSTERN The king's messenger.  
GREEN So you found the king?  
GUILDENSTERN We did.  
BUSHY What did he want from you?  
GUILDENSTERN He couldn't remember. He did ask about his son.  
ROSENCRANTZ _(yawning)_ His nephew.  
GUILDENSTERN He said his son.  
ROSENCRANTZ But it's his nephew, not his son.  
GUILDENSTERN But he asked… _(shaking his head)_ Doesn't matter.  
GREEN What happened to his son?  
BUSHY _(quietly)_ Or his nephew…  
ROSENCRANTZ _(obviously lying)_ I don't know.  
BAGGOT Change of subject?  
GUILDENSTERN Yes! The bathtub. And clothes. And is that oil? Why is that oil?  
BAGGOT For bathing, of course.  
GUILDENSTERN But why?  
GREEN There might have been an incident yesterday, remarking that you smelt like horses, and I'm guessing that apparently, we've not been the only ones to think so.  
ROSENCRANTZ So, we need to take a bath?  
BUSHY I don't think you need to, but you could, if you wanted to.  
GUILDENSTERN Why would we want to?  
BAGGOT Because you smell of horses. And those clothes can't be exactly comfortable when you're not riding.  
ROSENCRANTZ _(after studying the bathtub, clothes and towels carefully)_ But there are more clothes than we would need, aren't there?  
GUILDENSTERN Enough clothes and towels for you as well, surely?  
BAGGOT But we don't smell of horses!  
ROSENCRANTZ And yet, you have a bathtub, and we don't.  
GREEN We don't have it, it's just here.  
GUILDENSTERN In the same place you are?  
BUSHY And just a bathtub isn't enough for proper bathing.  
BAGGOT We had soap and towels.  
BUSHY But no clean clothes!  
ROSENCRANTZ And what about the oils?  
BUSHY What what about the oils?  
ROSENCRANTZ Everything else is necessary to wash, but I fail to see how oils would be relevant for this process.  
GREEN _(almost worriedly)_ You don't know?  
ROSENCRANTZ I don't know what?  
 _(a moments silence as this answer is contemplated)_  
BUSHY You need oils because they smell nice, of course. It's important to smell nice.  
GUILDENSTERN And not of horses?  
GREEN And not of horses.  
ROSENCRANTZ What's wrong with smelling of horses?  
BUSHY It's rude.  
GUILDENSTERN Rude?  
BAGGOT Rude.  
ROSENCRANTZ Why is it… Never mind. So we need to bathe in order not to smell offensive to you?  
GUILDENSTERN Couldn't we just leave?  
BUSHY _(cautiously)_ I don't think so.  
GUILDENSTERN Why not?  
BUSHY I think you need to be here?  
GREEN There is something that seems to want you here, at least.  
ROSENCRANTZ Something?  
GUILDENSTERN Assuming we would actually agree to wash, just how precisely would we do this? Do you intend to watch us? Or would you at least have the decency to gives us some privacy?  
ROSENCRANTZ Or are you planning on just standing here, watching?  
BUSHY Watching you bathe?  
ROSENCRANTZ You do seem rather insistent, it's not an unreasonable assumption.  
BUSHY _(annoyed)_ You stink of horses. And you're barely even old enough to be a man.  
GREEN It's not an attempt at seduction. It's an attempt to make you stink less. But we can turn our backs, if that helps?  
ROSENCRANTZ I am not going to take a bath.  
BUSHY But you just said…  
ROSENCRANTZ I just said that assuming I would, what would happen.  
GUILDENSTERN And it does not sound at all agreeable.  
ROSENCRANTZ It's too cold for bathing, and our clothes are warm, at least, even if they do smell of horses.  
GUILDENSTERN And bathing like that must surely lead to catching a cold, getting wet and cold?  
BUSHY Surely, never washing cannot be good for you, either.  
ROSENCRANTZ But I'm warm and dry, and I don't want to be cold and wet just so that your delicate noses won't feel offended!  
 _(a moments silence. a small cloud materialises over ROSENCRANTZ's head. rain falls, just for long enough to soak his clothes, and the cloud disappears again, not having rained on any other person present)_  
BUSHY Something really, really wants you to take a bath.  
ROSENCRANTZ _(after several quickly-abandoned attempts at complaining)_ Will you at least turn your backs?  
 _(everyone, including GUILDENSTERN turns their backs, while ROSENCRANTZ strips off his soaked leather riding clothes as quickly as possible, and then climbs into the bathtub)_  
ROSENCRANTZ _(quietly)_ Oh.  
GUILDENSTERN _(concernedly)_ What?  
ROSENCRANTZ This is rather nice. It's warm.  
GUILDENSTERN _(turning to face him again)_ Do you need soap?  
ROSENCRANTZ Yes, please.  
 _(silence, while ROSENCRANTZ contemplates the soap, and then starts hesitantly to wash his hair)_  
 _(BUSHY, BAGGOT, and GREEN all turn around again, slowly, trying to give ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN time to complain should they wish to do so)_  
ROSENCRANTZ _(apparently trying to get water out of his ears)_ Why am I the only one taking a bath when you smell of horses, too?  
GUILDENSTERN _(examining a small flask of bath oils)_ I don't smell of horses.  
BAGGOT You do.  
GUILDENSTERN I don't. It's just my clothes. And I will not take those off.  
 _(a cloud appears once more)_  
GUILDENSTERN No. I won't. Even if you rain on me.  
 _(the cloud starts flickering threateningly)_  
GUILDENSTERN No. Don't even try it. You will be wasting your time.  
 _(the cloud starts raining very softly)_  
GUILDENSTERN What did I just say?  
 _(the cloud starts raining a bit harder)_  
GUILDENSTERN No.  
 _(the cloud stops raining for a moment, and GUILDENSTERN takes a relieved breath. then, snow starts falling)_  
GUILDENSTERN _(shivering slightly)_ No. Stop that.  
 _(snow keeps falling)_  
GUILDENSTERN It's getting cold. Stop it.  
 _(snow still keeps falling)_  
ROSENCRANTZ _(innocently)_ The water is rather nice, if you get cold…  
GUILDENSTERN _(with another look at the cloud)_ Yes.  
ROSENCRANTZ Are you sure about this? There is room enough?  
GUILDENSTERN Yes.  
 _(silence, while GUILDENSTERN keeps glaring at the cloud, and ROSENCRANTZ finishes washing his hair)_  
ROSENCRANTZ Can somebody please hand me a towel?  
BAGGOT You can't be done washing.  
ROSENCRANTZ I am.  
BAGGOT Are you certain?  
ROSENCRANTZ _(rolling his eyes)_ Yes. Can I have a towel now?  
BAGGOT No.  
ROSENCRANTZ Why?  
BAGGOT You're not finished yet.  
ROSENCRANTZ I'm clean, and I don't smell of horses anymore. What more do you want?  
BAGGOT You smell of soap now! People should not smell of soap.  
ROSENCRANTZ _(annoyed)_ Then why did you make me wash, if I am not allowed to smell of soap!  
BAGGOT You are not done washing if you still smell of soap!  
ROSENCRANTZ Then when will I be done? When I have entirely dissolved in the bathwater?  
BUSHY _(picking a vial of oil from its box)_ Maybe this will help?  
ROSENCRANTZ _(taking the vial)_ How?  
BUSHY It's oil.  
ROSENCRANTZ And?  
BUSHY You put it on your skin?  
ROSENCRANTZ What for?  
BAGGOT _(with a deep sigh)_ So that you don't smell like laundry.  
ROSENCRANTZ But I'm…  
BAGGOT Yes, yes, we'll turn our backs again, don't worry.  
 _(BUSHY, BAGGOT, and GREEN turn their backs again)_  
 _(ROSENCRANTZ, with all possible indications of doubt, opens the vial, sniffs at it delicately, shrugs, and then starts applying the oil to his body in a rather haphazard and careless manner, muttering about royalty and their strange and dangerous habits and demands all the while)_  
ROSENCRANTZ _(rather suddenly)_ Guildenstern?  
GUILDENSTERN Yes?  
ROSENCRANTZ I can't reach my back. Could you…?  
 _(GUILDENSTERN walks closer to the tub, and as soon as he is within reach, ROSENCRANTZ pulls him into the water)_  
GUILDENSTERN _(sputtering)_ What did you do that for?!  
ROSENCRANTZ _(leaving the tub to acquire a towel **[1]**)_ You were cold. And you smell of horses. And you were already wet, so it did not make much of a difference.  
GUILDENSTERN _(his attempts at angry gesturing severely limited by the constraints of wet leather and linen)_ I am not washing! Not in public!  
ROSENCRANTZ _(having acquired a towel just large enough to protect his modesty)_ Nothing bad will happen. And you'll feel better once you're clean.  
GUILDENSTERN _(gesturing helplessly at his soaked clothing)_ And how am I to get clean when I can't even remove my clothes?  
ROSENCRANTZ Would you like me to help you?  
GUILDENSTERN I'm not sure that would be a good idea.  
ROSENCRANTZ Why? Are you worried I might do something inappropriate?  
GUILDENSTERN I'm worried I might do something inappropriate.  
ROSENCRANTZ I'm not worried about that. Let me help.  
 _(he reaches out, starts loosening various laces and buckles of GUILDENSTERN's shirt and jacket, while GUILDENSTERN himself seems busy trying to free himself from his trousers and boots)_  
GREEN _(his back still turned)_ That was not a clever idea.  
BUSHY Even you should know that leather and water don't mix.  
GUILDENSTERN _(sharp)_ How come you don't have to bathe?  
BAGGOT We don't smell of horses.  
ROSENCRANTZ No, but you have worn the same clothes for two days in a row at least, and presumably for the night in between as well.  
GUILDENSTERN You might not smell of horses, but you won't smell of roses, either.  
BAGGOT I'm not bathing in that water.  
GUILDENSTERN Oh, but we have to?  
BAGGOT It will be dirty when you're done. Dirtier than I am now.  
ROSENCRANTZ _(distractedly contemplating various apparently unsuitable clothing)_ We were not that dirty.  
GREEN Dirtier than we are, though. Do you need help with that?  
ROSENCRANTZ It doesn't seem to make much sense, yes.  
GREEN It's not that complicated.  
ROSENCRANTZ But what is it?  
GREEN Just… hold still, and let me dress you.  
ROSENCRANTZ I'm…  
GREEN Naked, yes. _(after carefully looking through the now rather disorganised bundle of clean clothes and picking a pair of rather non-descript braies)_ Put those on.  
ROSENCRANTZ _(exchanging his towel for the braies)_ And now?  
 _(GREEN shakes his head at him, possibly makes a shushing gesture, and picks an equally non-descript shirt from the pile, handing it to ROSENCRANTZ, who puts it on without complaint)_  
GUILDENSTERN You know you're not technically speaking dressing him?  
GREEN _(picking up a pair of parti-coloured hose)_ I am now. _(kneeling at ROSENCRANTZ's feet, close enough that ROSENCRANTZ can hold onto his shoulders for balance while GREEN is putting the hose on him in short expert movements)_ I thought you might appreciate it if I did not touch him overmuch.  
GUILDENSTERN That is not my decision but his.  
GREEN Then he might still appreciate it. ( _tugs at ROSENCRANTZ's hose until it suits his exacting standards, and then turns to find the next item of clothing)_  
 _(BUSHY and BAGGOT, meanwhile, have found a doublet that would suit ROSENCRANTZ far better than his riding clothes did **[2]**)_  
BUSHY This should do. _(handing the doublet to GREEN)_  
GREEN _(holding the doublet against ROSENCRANTZ's chest and considering it carefully)_ Yes, this should do. ( _proceeds to dress ROSENCRANTZ in it, finally tying the hose to it, and then taking a step back to contemplate his work, and making several minor adjustments)_  
BAGGOT Much better, is it not?  
ROSENCRANTZ _(carefully testing his range of motion)_ It's surprisingly comfortable, at least.  
 _(no one says 'I told you so', but it is heavily implied)_  
GUILDENSTERN Can I have a towel, please?  
GREEN Oil, first. _(hands another vial to him)_  
GUILDENSTERN _(opening the vial, sniffing it)_ Rosemary? You had rather I smell like a salad than I smell like horses?  
GREEN It seemed fitting.  
GUILDENSTERN Fitting for what?  
GREEN I didn't think lavender would be the right scent for you.  
GUILDENSTERN Meaning?  
ROSENCRANTZ Are you seriously debating this? Just do as he says.  
GUILDENSTERN But I don't want to smell like salad!  
BUSHY _(handing GUILDENSTERN another vial)_ Would you prefer this, then?  
GUILDENSTERN _(taking a smell)_ It's nice. What is it?  
BUSHY Fennel, and aniseed, orange peel, and some cloves, I think.  
GUILDENSTERN Can I have a towel, please, then?  
 _(he is handed a towel)_  
 _(somehow, he manages to get out of the bathtub with his modesty preserved, and then continues to apply oil to his skin in the most perfunctory manner possible, under various stern glares)_  
GUILDENSTERN Clothes, please?  
 _(he is handed braies and a shirt, which he again, manages to put on in a manner that preserves what little is left of his modesty)_  
BUSHY We'll take care of the rest, if you don't mind.  
GUILDENSTERN And if I do?  
ROSENCRANTZ You'll have to dress yourself, I would hope. If think you can.  
GUILDENSTERN Right. Go ahead, then.  
 _(he is dressed in a hose and doublet, not unlike what ROSENCRANTZ is wearing)_  
GUILDENSTERN Thanks. Now, why precisely, did you feel it necessary that we undergo this rather curious procedure?  
BAGGOT You smelt of horses.  
GUILDENSTERN You said that before.  
BUSHY There is a reason why we're here.  
ROSENCRANTZ You're waiting. You said that, as well.  
GREEN There is something or someone we're waiting for.  
GUILDENSTERN As one might imagine of someone waiting.  
BUSHY And there is something wrong with this place.  
GREEN We have some power to change it, but it is rather limited.  
BUSHY And it does seem to have some power over us, too.  
ROSENCRANTZ And why must you make us bathe, then?  
BAGGOT There was a bathtub, and soap, and towels, and clothes, and oils. Somebody was apparently required to bathe.  
GUILDENSTERN And why didn't you bathe, then?  
BAGGOT We didn't smell of horses.  
ROSENCRANTZ _(resignedly)_ Right. And what happens now?  
BUSHY I don't know.  
GREEN We wait.  
GUILDENSTERN What for?  
BUSHY We wait.  
ROSENCRANTZ Can we have some pie while we wait?  
GREEN Probably not. Pie is apparently rather difficult.  
GUILDENSTERN Shouldn't we at least deserve some recompense for being made to bathe?  
BUSHY It might be worth trying.  
GREEN What kind of pie?  
GUILDENSTERN Apple?  
ROSENCRANTZ Apricot?  
BUSHY Together or separately?  
GUILDENSTERN Separately, I think.  
ROSENCRANTZ I don't think they would mix well.  
BAGGOT _(turning his back for a moment, then turning to the others again, presenting two pies, already cut, and a number of spoons)_ Would that be what you were hoping for?  
ROSENCRANTZ _(quickly taking the pie offered)_ Do we have to share?  
GREEN I wouldn't think so.  
ROSENCRANTZ Yes, that was what I was hoping for. Thanks. _(starts eating)_  
GUILDENSTERN And you are sure this isn't poisoned or otherwise dangerous?  
BUSHY Apparently not. We tried it already.  
ROSENCRANTZ It's just difficult?  
GREEN So we have been told.  
GUILDENSTERN It didn't seem difficult just now?  
BAGGOT It wasn't.  
ROSENCRANTZ Why?  
BUSHY I don't know.  
GUILDENSTERN Does it matter?  
GREEN Maybe.  
ROSENCRANTZ Do you think we could obtain the reason for our presence here?  
BUSHY Just like the pie? I don't think that would work.  
ROSENCRANTZ But the pie was easier after we did as we were told?  
GUILDENSTERN So if we learn what we need to do next, and do it, we might be granted another such allowance?  
GREEN And what would you imagine we need to do?  
ROSENCRANTZ There are still three sets of clean clothes.  
BAGGOT I'm not bathing in public!  
BUSHY And we do not smell of horses.  
GUILDENSTERN Maybe it would be enough if you changed your clothes?  
GREEN To what purpose?  
ROSENCRANTZ I don't know. But you have been given clothes.  
BAGGOT _(picking up a rather gaudy pair of hose)_ Is this supposed to be a comedy, then?  
BUSHY _(studying a doublet)_ A tragedy, more like.  
GREEN _(intensely staring at another hose **[3]**)_ They might be made to mend. _(the hose disappears from his hands)_  
GUILDENSTERN That doesn't look mended.  
ROSENCRANTZ _(picking up a rather better looking hose that just appeared on the ground)_ This one does.  
GREEN _(taking the hose, studying it intently)_ It does. _(starts changing his clothes)_  
BUSHY _(absentmindedly)_ Do we not need to change our braies and shirts as well?  
BAGGOT No.  
GREEN What for?  
BUSHY _(gesturing at the clothes strewn on the ground)_ There are… Oh. I thought there were more shirts still.  
BAGGOT We don't have to, then. Good. _(picks up another hose and doublet, forcing it to change colour before replacing his clothes with the new ones)_  
BUSHY What, precisely, are we looking to accomplish here?  
ROSENCRANTZ We're doing as we're told, in hopes of being granted more pie.  
BUSHY I am supposed to expose myself, in public, for pie?  
GUILDENSTERN Yes.  
 _(BUSHY curses quietly, but eventually relents and changes as well)_  
BUSHY Now what?  
GUILDENSTERN I don't know.  
GREEN We could try asking for an explanation.  
ROSENCRANTZ What of?  
BAGGOT Everything.  
BUSHY _(throwing up his hands in a gesture of supplication and exasperation)_ Can we please have an explanation of everything?  
 _(nothing happens for a while, then another pie appears)_  
ROSENCRANTZ _(eventually)_ That doesn't look like an explanation.  
GREEN Maybe it's coded?  
BAGGOT In pears?  
GUILDENSTERN To be translated into apples?  
ROSENCRANTZ Maybe there is a message in it?  
BUSHY Or maybe clothes are good for no more than pie. Maybe there is something else we neglected to do.  
BAGGOT And what would that be?  
ROSENCRANTZ _(cautiously)_ There are still clothes strewn all over.  
BAGGOT _(offended)_ I am not doing laundry!  
GUILDENSTERN No one was asking you to!  
BAGGOT What do you suggest we do, then?  
ROSENCRANTZ We could try wishing them away? Or wishing them cleaned?  
GREEN But what for?  
GUILDENSTERN I don't know! But it's worth trying, is it not?  
BUSHY _(making a shooing gesture at the clothes)_ Go away. Please. _(the clothes disappear)_  
ROSENCRANTZ Shall we try for an explanation again?  
 _(BUSHY wordlessly gestures at their surroundings, and yet another pie appears)_  
GREEN That can't have been the solution, either.  
GUILDENSTERN Then what should we do instead?  
BUSHY Is there anything you have left unfinished? Some task you would need to carry out, a message to deliver, a story to tell?  
ROSENCRANTZ I wouldn't know. We were sent to see the king, and see the king we did.  
GUILDENSTERN There would not have been something your king has bid you do?  
GREEN _(cautiously)_ We owe him an army, still.  
BUSHY And a kingdom and crown.  
BAGGOT And we will never deliver those.  
GUILDENSTERN Is there no way to…?  
BUSHY We wait.  
ROSENCRANTZ And nothing will ever change.  
GREEN Then we will keep waiting.  
GUILDENSTERN Forever?  
BAGGOT Forever and ever, amen.  
ROSENCRANTZ But surely…  
BUSHY What would you have us do?  
GREEN Shall we raise an army here? Mock him with the aid he never received?  
BAGGOT Or would you have us slay another king and steal his crown for ours?  
BUSHY There is nothing to do.  
BAGGOT And so we wait.  
GREEN And wait.  
GUILDENSTERN But there has to be something! We would not be here if there was nothing to be done!  
BUSHY Then what did you do!  
ROSENCRANTZ We went to see the king, as we were bid.  
GREEN To what end?  
GUILDENSTERN Because we were told to.  
BAGGOT And yet, he had you killed.  
ROSENCRANTZ He did not!  
BAGGOT And neither did he stop it.  
GUILDENSTERN It was not his doing.  
BUSHY Then whose was it?  
ROSENCRANTZ _(very, very quietly)_ The prince's.  
GREEN Your prince?  
GUILDENSTERN Our prince.  
BUSHY Then what the king has asked of you doesn't matter, does it?  
ROSENCRANTZ No. But what else would you have us do?  
GREEN The same you have asked of us. Whatever guilt you still carry, you will need a way to repay it.  
GUILDENSTERN There is no way.  
BUSHY Then we wait.  
ROSENCRANTZ Forever and ever?  
BAGGOT Amen.  
 _(silence)_  
ROSENCRANTZ But there has to be something we can do!  
BUSHY There is not!  
ROSENCRANTZ There has to be! What would be the reason for this if there was not!  
BUSHY And what makes you so certain?  
ROSENCRANTZ It's wrong.  
GREEN _(curious now)_ Wrong?  
ROSENCRANTZ This can't be eternal damnation, not when we have pie and clean clothes and fresh fruit.  
BUSHY _(carefully testing the idea)_ And neither should it be heaven, not when we should be eternally happy.  
GREEN And what use to us is this?  
GUILDENSTERN If this is purgatory, then there must be a way to redeem ourselves, a way to repay those debts.  
BAGGOT And how?  
ROSENCRANTZ I don't know!  
BAGGOT So we are still no closer to a solution.  
ROSENCRANTZ We are!  
BAGGOT No we're not.  
ROSENCRANTZ At least we know that there is a solution to be found. That has to be worth something.  
BUSHY But what?  
GREEN We could tidy up here, for a beginning. _(starts making shooing gestures at the remaining bathing supplies and the bedding under the apricot tree, which obediently vanish)_  
BAGGOT And what would that help us?  
GREEN I don't know! We're just trying things out!  
ROSENCRANTZ Can we have an explanation now?  
 _(another pie appears, this time not a fruit pie, but something with meat, because too much sugar is bad for your teeth)_  
GUILDENSTERN _(taking a piece of pie)_ Thanks, but not what we were looking for. Could you maybe give us some hint?  
 _(there is a rather worrying rumbling sound, and a drawing well appears between the apricot trees)_  
BUSHY We already washed! We are not going to become any cleaner!  
BAGGOT We could ask for a frog or a golden ball to throw down it?  
GREEN And then? We don't have any princes to fetch them again.  
ROSENCRANTZ _(slowly)_ But maybe it would compel a prince to appear, fulfilling the demands of the story?  
GUILDENSTERN I don't think that this would be what purgatory is supposed to be about.  
BUSHY We could still try it?  
GREEN _(picking both a frog and a golden ball out of thin air)_ In what order?  
ROSENCRANTZ I thought it was the frog, first.  
BUSHY But won't it drown? Shouldn't we first give it something to sit on?  
GREEN We could put the frog into a bucket, and lower that into the well?  
BAGGOT _(grabbing the frog and turning to the well)_ Can't hurt to try.  
 _(the frog is lowered into the well, and GREEN throws the golden ball after it)_  
 _(nothing much happens, until the frog starts croaking pitifully, and ROSENCRANTZ decides to stop that particular experiment)_  
GUILDENSTERN That doesn't seem to have helped.  
BUSHY Maybe we really need a prince, then?  
ROSENCRANTZ If that would work, we would already have solved this!  
GREEN You think a prince would know what to do?  
GUILDENSTERN That is not what he meant!  
ROSENCRANTZ Not our prince, no. But there is someone who might be able to help.  
GUILDENSTERN No.  
ROSENCRANTZ Yes.  
GUILDENSTERN You can't call him here! It's not fair to him! Or to anyone else!  
ROSENCRANTZ But he would do anything to help his prince!  
GUILDENSTERN And how would helping us translate into helping his prince? After we have been ordered to deliver him to his death?  
ROSENCRANTZ I would still be worth trying.  
GUILDENSTERN No. He deserves better. They both deserve better. And we should have listened to them instead of to the king, and you know that as well as I do.  
ROSENCRANTZ So we just wait for him to come of his own volition?  
GUILDENSTERN He would never come here.  
ROSENCRANTZ He would, when the prince comes.  
GUILDENSTERN So we wait.  
BUSHY If that man would really be able to help us, is there nothing we can do to hasten his arrival?  
ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN _(simultaneously and loudly)_ No!  
GUILDENSTERN Don't even think about it.  
BUSHY Is there a way to check if he might be here already?  
ROSENCRANTZ I don't think so, no.  
GUILDENSTERN His prince would never allow it.  
GREEN And if his prince were here?  
ROSENCRANTZ Then we would not be having this conversation, because then we would have a solution already! Don't you have a prince or friend you could call for help?  
GREEN We have our king, and we have each other.  
BAGGOT And we have the Duke of Aumerle, and the Queen.  
BUSHY But they won't be here, either.  
GUILDENSTERN Then who is there?  
BAGGOT _(doubtfully)_ Dead people?  
ROSENCRANTZ Presumably, yes.  
GREEN There are the Dukes of Lancaster and Gloucester, but I fear neither of them would be at all inclined to help us.  
GUILDENSTERN And neither would Polonius, nor would I think him to be any help to us.  
BUSHY Why not?  
GUILDENSTERN He never stops talking, and he never yet said anything.  
ROSENCRANTZ And I don't think he liked us much.  
GREEN And you are sure that there is no one else?  
GUILDENSTERN _(cautiously)_ There might be the old king.  
BUSHY The old king?  
ROSENCRANTZ The prince's father.  
GREEN Then you have no king?  
GUILDENSTERN Yes, the old king's brother.  
BUSHY Then your prince is a child? How would he be able to help us?  
ROSENCRANTZ He is not! That is the whole problem!  
BAGGOT Oh. Why didn't you try to help him?  
GUILDENSTERN We did! But we didn't… We didn't understand, and then it was too late.  
GREEN So there is no one who could help us, and no one willing to tell us what to do, and no one willing to explain this to us?  
ROSENCRANTZ It seems.  
BUSHY Maybe we should try something else, then?  
BAGGOT What, eat more pie?  
GREEN We could ask for some more information?  
GUILDENSTERN We could ask for a priest?  
ROSENCRANTZ A priest?  
GUILDENSTERN _(shrugging)_ Maybe confession would help?  
BUSHY And what would you have us confess? Greed? Lust? Pride?  
ROSENCRANTZ Sorrow and despair.  
BUSHY Oh.  
 _(silence)_  
GREEN We have failed our king. What else would you have us do?  
BAGGOT Should we dance and be merry to have killed him?  
GUILDENSTERN No! But what help is it to him if you despair? What is there you can do but make yourselves feel bad? Maybe it will all be fine, and you will have worried for nothing, and maybe it won't, and then your worrying will have done nothing to help him.  
BUSHY And your worrying?  
ROSENCRANTZ That's different.  
BUSHY How is it different?  
ROSENCRANTZ We didn't fail to serve him. We betrayed him. We spied on him, and we were prepared to deliver him to his death! We were willing to let him die!  
GREEN Surely, there was nothing you could have done?  
GUILDENSTERN There was! We could have been honest with him! We could have refused to serve the king! We could have asked more questions! We could have destroyed the letter!  
ROSENCRANTZ There were so many things we could or should have done, and we didn't do any of them, because we didn't think, and didn't understand, and now there is nothing left we can do to help.  
BUSHY Then why should you despair when there is nothing you can change now?  
GUILDENSTERN Because it was our fault! _(his voice breaks over the exclamation)_  
GREEN Was it?  
ROSENCRANTZ _(defeated)_ Yes. Yes it was.  
BUSHY And yet you are here. There must be something more to it.  
ROSENCRANTZ No.  
BAGGOT Weren't you just telling us that there must be something we can do?  
ROSENCRANTZ Something you can do. There is nothing for us.  
GREEN And how are we to take that? Should we think you were sent here to help us?  
ROSENCRANTZ _(shrugging)_ Maybe. But I think you would give us too much credit in doing so.  
BUSHY No. If we can be helped, then so can you.  
GUILDENSTERN Don't. It's not worth it. We're not worth it. You just. Go and find your king. Be happy.  
BUSHY No.  
GREEN _(gently)_ Tell us, what would you need to confess? What sins would you need forgiveness for?  
ROSENCRANTZ We lied.  
GUILDENSTERN We followed a false king.  
ROSENCRANTZ We supported murderers.  
GUILDENSTERN And we encouraged sin.  
ROSENCRANTZ We have forsaken our friend when he most needed us.  
GUILDENSTERN We didn't keep the promises we made.  
ROSENCRANTZ We made promises we couldn't keep.  
GUILDENSTERN We thought too highly of ourselves.  
ROSENCRANTZ We tried protecting ourselves, when we should have protected our prince.  
GUILDENSTERN We failed our duty.  
ROSENCRANTZ And we failed our king.  
BAGGOT Will you believe us, when we tell you that you shall be forgiven?  
GUILDENSTERN No.  
GREEN Will you accept punishment, then?  
ROSENCRANTZ _(laughing harshly)_ There are not enough prayers we could speak to absolve this sin.  
BUSHY Then what is there? You have already been killed, and we are no priests. There is no other service we could render you but to forgive.  
GUILDENSTERN And you can't forgive something that never touched you.  
BUSHY Who can?  
ROSENCRANTZ A king could.  
GREEN And can we not speak for a king?  
GUILDENSTERN You are no royals.  
BUSHY No. But we have spoken for the king before. We can do so again.  
ROSENCRANTZ And you think this will help?  
BAGGOT There is no harm in trying, at least. ( _he steps forward, lays his right hand on ROSENCRANTZ's head, and draws a cross on ROSENCRANTZ's forehead with his thumb)_ You will be forgiven. _(he then repeats the same process for GUILDENSTERN)_  
GUILDENSTERN Did that help?  
BUSHY Let's try it. _(addressing an imaginary audience)_ Will you please explain now?  
GREEN _(after nothing has happened for a while)_ Or at least give us a little more information?  
 _(with another rumbling sound, the well is joined by a linden tree)_  
BAGGOT And how is that supposed to help us?  
ROSENCRANTZ Add a gate.  
GUILDENSTERN And stop mocking us.  
BUSHY Pardon?  
ROSENCRANTZ It's a song. It doesn't matter, really. It's just not very helpful, that's all.  
GREEN So we are still right where we started?  
GUILDENSTERN It seems like, yes.  
BUSHY Then what do we do?  
ROSENCRANTZ We wait.  
BAGGOT Maybe someone will have an idea.  
GREEN We could try asking the sheep?  
GUILDENSTERN What for?  
GREEN _(shrugging)_ They seemed to have done rather well finding your horses.  
BAGGOT And now, you want them to find a solution? To be dragged here by a flock of sheep?  
GREEN If you preferred the chickens, we could of course…  
BAGGOT The sheep are fine.  
 _(a first sheep stumbles on stage, to the sound of Smetana's[Die Moldau](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gTKsHwqaIr4))_  
BUSHY _(immediately addressing the sheep)_ Pardon, but would you know what we are supposed to be doing here?  
 _(the sheep bleats at him, and then starts trying to eat his doublet)_  
 _(another sheep appears)_  
GREEN Maybe they could tell us where they are from?  
GUILDENSTERN Or lead their owner here?  
ROSENCRANTZ Or lead us to their owner.  
BAGGOT _(absentmindedly petting a third sheep that has just walked on stage)_ I don't think we can leave here.  
GUILDENSTERN We could last night.  
GREEN But you had an order.  
BUSHY And now the king doesn't want to see you, so there is no reason for you to be allowed to leave.  
ROSENCRANTZ We have to be allowed?  
BAGGOT I tried this morning, it didn't work.  
GUILDENSTERN Right. Sheep, could you please tell us what we are doing here, or where you are coming from, or anything else that might help us in our current situation?  
 _(the sheep don't react)_  
ROSENCRANTZ Please?  
 _(the sheep start leaving again, with no acknowledgement of having heard the question)_  
BAGGOT And now?  
BUSHY _(smiling)_ We wait.  
GREEN For how long?  
ROSENCRANTZ Until the sheep come back, presumably.  
GUILDENSTERN And if they won't come back?  
ROSENCRANTZ Then we will be waiting anyway, so it won't matter much.  
BAGGOT And there is nothing else we could do?  
GREEN Unless you want to try asking the chickens, no.  
BAGGOT I don't want to talk to chickens!  
BUSHY Well, it might prove interesting.  
GUILDENSTERN No. Enough for today.  
BAGGOT We are no closer to a solution than we have been this morning. I'm done trying.  
GUILDENSTERN We should take a break.  
ROSENCRANTZ And take an afternoon nap?  
BAGGOT _(decisively)_ It isn't afternoon, it's evening.  
 _(immediately, the lights start fading and turning increasingly more red)_  
ROSENCRANTZ So we are just going to sleep now?  
BAGGOT And hope things will be better tomorrow.  
 _(enter BOY)_  
BOY _(angrily)_ You aren't supposed to do that!  
BAGGOT What?  
BOY Make it evening! I was busy!  
BAGGOT Wonderful. Then tell us what it is you need us to know, and you can go back to whatever it was we are currently keeping you from doing.  
BOY They won't come today.  
BUSHY Who?  
BOY The ones you are waiting for.  
GREEN Why not?  
BOY They won't come today.  
GUILDENSTERN Who are you?  
ROSENCRANTZ And how do you know this?  
BOY I am to tell you that they won't come today. And I know because I was told to tell you.  
GUILDENSTERN That doesn't sound very credible.  
BAGGOT Don't. I want to sleep.  
BOY _(incredulously)_ You called me away because you want to take a nap?  
BAGGOT Yes. Is there anything else?  
BOY No. No, I don't think so. _(turns to leave)_  
BAGGOT Good night, then.  
BOY _(turning back)_ Oh. Thanks for the shoes. And be careful with the pie. I can be deceitful. (exit)  
BUSHY And this is it?  
GREEN There is nothing more he can tell us?  
BUSHY Nothing about pancakes or apples or anything else?  
BAGGOT _(tiredly)_ Apparently not. _(pulls a pillow and blanket from the rock, and then goes to sleep curled up under one of the apricot trees)_  
GREEN So we really just go to sleep now?  
BUSHY It seems. _(finds another pillow and blanket)_ Goodnight. _(goes to join BAGGOT)_  
ROSENCRANTZ Are you sure that this is a good idea?  
GUILDENSTERN Shouldn't someone be keeping watch?  
GREEN Well, you can do that if you want to, but you should be fine. Nothing bad happened to us last night. Sleep well. _(procures yet another pillow and blanket, and joins BAGGOT and BUSHY)_  
ROSENCRANTZ I don't feel tired.  
GUILDENSTERN Neither do I.  
ROSENCRANTZ So should we just stay here and wait?  
GUILDENSTERN _(gesturing to the rock)_ We could be sitting down.  
ROSENCRANTZ _(sitting down and leaning back against the rock)_ And then?  
GUILDENSTERN _(sitting next to him)_ We wait.  
ROSENCRANTZ What for?  
GUILDENSTERN I don't know.  
ROSENCRANTZ Shouldn't we be doing something?  
GUILDENSTERN What?  
ROSENCRANTZ I don't know. Something. Anything.  
GUILDENSTERN We could try flipping coins.  
ROSENCRANTZ And what? Heads we try and sleep?  
GUILDENSTERN We could try at least.  
ROSENCRANTZ But I'm not tired.  
GUILDENSTERN And I don't want to sleep.  
ROSENCRANTZ Who knows what dreams may come.  
GUILDENSTERN Try not to think about it.  
ROSENCRANTZ Then what should we do?  
GUILDENSTERN Not think.  
ROSENCRANTZ And sleep?  
GUILDENSTERN We could try, at least.  
 _(curtain, to the sound of Brahms'[Wiegenlied](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6oBIJTnqXMg))_

 

ACT III or CODA

_(Morning, the countryside. ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN are asleep, still sitting mostly upright and leaning against the rock. Someone seems to have covered them with a blanket and provided them pillows. GREEN and BAGGOT are still asleep under the apricot tree. BUSHY is currently in the process of waking up, stretching not entirely unlike a cat, and seeming rather sleepy still._  
 _If we should need to provide music, Schubert's[Stürmischer Morgen](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iouvvHs991k) might do, in spite of its relative shortness. Should a longer piece be desired, Wagner's [Ride of the Valkyries](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XRU1AJsXN1g) might serve.)_

BUSHY _(softly)_ Good morning. _(after waiting for an answer for a moment, he stands and folds his blanket neatly before disappearing it and the pillow)_ Is there no one else awake yet? _(with those words, he starts walking towards the front of the stage, where GUILDENSTERN is still fast asleep, and ROSENCRANTZ slowly waking up)_  
ROSENCRANTZ _(yawning)_ Good morning.  
BUSHY Is there any change?  
ROSENCRANTZ No, I _(interrupts himself by yawning again_ ) I don't think so.  
BUSHY So this has not helped at all?  
ROSENCRANTZ It seems not.  
BUSHY Do we wake up the others then?  
ROSENCRANTZ What for?  
BUSHY We need a new plan.  
ROSENCRANTZ But not before breakfast. Let them sleep.  
BUSHY How can you think of breakfast now?  
ROSENCRANTZ I'm hungry. And if waiting is really what we are supposed to do, then we might as well enjoy it.  
BUSHY And so we should eat breakfast?  
ROSENCRANTZ Why not?  
BUSHY Breakfast it is, then.  
 _(ROSENCRANTZ goes to the drawing well to wash his face and hands, while BUSHY starts assembling a rather curious selection of breakfast foods and sweets)_  
ROSENCRANTZ _(returning)_ Thanks.  
 _(they eat in silence for a while)_  
GREEN _(barely awake yet)_ Are you eating breakfast? _(moving closer)_ Why didn't you wake me?  
BUSHY We thought we would let you sleep. You won't miss anything.  
GREEN I'm missing breakfast.  
ROSENCRANTZ _(patting the ground next to himself)_ You could join us?  
GREEN Thanks. _(sits down)_  
 _(silence while they eat)_  
GREEN Is this what we're doing? Eating and waiting?  
BUSHY There doesn't seem to be much else we could do.  
ROSENCRANTZ And the others are still asleep.  
GUILDENSTERN _(his tone of voice belying his statement)_ I'm awake.  
BUSHY Join us for breakfast, then?  
GUILDENSTERN Breakfast?  
GREEN _(shrugging)_ Why not?  
GUILDENSTERN Should someone be waking up Baggot, then?  
BAGGOT No need to. Good morning.  
GUILDENSTERN Good morning. Sleep well?  
BAGGOT As well as one would expect. What is there for breakfast?  
BUSHY _(with a wide gesture)_ Everything you could wish for.  
BAGGOT Answers?  
ROSENCRANTZ Apparently no, sorry.  
BAGGOT Pity.  
BUSHY We can try again. After eating.  
GUILDENSTERN Or we could not try, and instead simply wait for something else to happen.  
ROSENCRANTZ Or we could enjoy breakfast, and not consider any further plans for the moment.  
BAGGOT Or that.  
GREEN So we'll just eat breakfast forever?  
BUSHY Of course not.  
ROSENCRANTZ _(smiling innocently)_ There will be lunch, and dinner, and snacks, of course.  
GREEN And we will just spend eternity eating?  
BAGGOT That might get boring, after a while.  
GUILDENSTERN We could read.  
BAGGOT Or hunt.  
ROSENCRANTZ I never went hunting.  
BAGGOT I'm sure you could learn.  
GREEN And that is your entire plan? We sit here, and do nothing, in hopes that maybe, one day, something better will happen?  
BUSHY _(sharply)_ Do you have a better idea?  
GREEN No. But at least I haven't given up!  
BAGGOT And neither have we!  
GREEN What do you call this, then? You are not even trying anymore!  
ROSENCRANTZ We are trying to enjoy breakfast. And all our trying didn't help anything yesterday, so we might as well consider our further options with more care.  
GUILDENSTERN After all, we are rather unlikely to run out of time.  
GREEN No. _(stands and turns to leave)_ I will not give up just like that.  
 _(having reached stage left, he realises that he cannot go further, and turns back to repeat the same process stage right, and then upstage as well)_  
 _(meanwhile, the other four continue eating, occasionally throwing GREEN concerned glances)_  
GREEN _(returning to the others)_ What is going on?  
BAGGOT I did say it might prove impossible to leave.  
GREEN _(annoyed)_ Then why did you suggest hunting?  
BAGGOT Why not? I'm sure we could.  
GREEN But I couldn't leave!  
BAGGOT We can't just run away.  
BUSHY But maybe, if we plan to come back, we can absent ourselves from here for a little while.  
GREEN So I can't do anything, I can't leave, and none of you is willing to help me?  
ROSENCRANTZ _(gently)_ There is nothing we can do at the moment.  
GUILDENSTERN And maybe, if we are patient, we might find a new idea, or even a solution.  
GREEN _(falling down more than sitting down)_ So we just wait here? For the end?  
BUSHY We just wait here. Apple? _(offering an apple to GREEN)_  
GREEN _(taking the offered apple)_ Thanks.  
BAGGOT It will be fine. Somehow. Someday. It will be fine.  
GREEN But not today?  
ROSENCRANTZ But not today.  
GREEN So what shall we do today?  
ROSENCRANTZ Wait. Tell stories. Get drunk.  
GREEN You think getting drunk would be a good idea?  
ROSENCRANTZ Why not?  
GUILDENSTERN Surely we could simply wish away any unfortunate consequences.  
BUSHY And it might serve as a suitable distraction.  
GREEN And what do you plan to get drunk on? Wine? Beer?  
BAGGOT We can decide that after breakfast.  
 _(their meal is once again interrupted, this time by Verdi's[Dies Irae](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hO1pn6D-t4M))_  
ROSENCRANTZ _(jumping to his feet)_ What?  
BUSHY Hide!  
 _(they scramble to disappear the remains of breakfast, and hide behind the trees)_  
 _(enter two young men, stage left, leading a horse. one of the men is wearing solid black but intricately decorated clothing, while the other is wearing far simpler riding clothes, not unlike what ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN had been wearing in the beginning)_  
 _(as they approach, the horse is revealed to have a rider, wearing a simple, but torn and stained shirt, and little else. he seems to be sleeping)_  
ROSENCRANTZ _(smiling)_ We wait.  
BAGGOT We waited.  
BUSHY _(stepping forward)_ Good day.  
GREEN _(following him, addressing the two young men)_ Welcome to this rather unusual place. We are Bushy, Baggot and Green, and these two are… _(adding appropriate helpful gestures)_  
HORATIO _(apparently pleasantly surprised)_ Rosencrantz and Guildenstern!  
HAMLET _(startled)_ But I had ordered for you to be killed.  
GUILDENSTERN _(softly)_ We have been, my lord.  
HAMLET No. You can't be dead.  
ROSENCRANTZ Why not?  
HAMLET Because if you are dead, then I am, and if I am, then Horatio is, and Horatio is not dead.  
HORATIO Forgive me, good my lord…  
HAMLET No. You promised me.  
HORATIO I did not. I said I would tell your story, good my lord, nothing more.  
HAMLET But you can't! You are not allowed to! Not you!  
HORATIO I can't what?  
ROSENCRANTZ There won't be a proper grave for you.  
GUILDENSTERN And no place in a graveyard, with no place in heaven.  
HORATIO _(laughing softly)_ So I did absent myself from felicity a while, then.  
HAMLET This is no laughing matter! You can't! _(his voice cracks)_  
HORATIO I did. I will be fine. There are more important things to consider?  
HAMLET More important than…  
HORATIO _(gesturing to the rider)_ I'm healthy, at least. He isn't.  
 _(at that, HAMLET seems to pull himself together for a moment, and then turns to wake up the third man, helping him dismount)_  
BUSHY No. He is not. That's. What did they do to him?  
HORATIO You know him?  
BAGGOT He is…  
ROSENCRANTZ _(gently)_ Your king?  
GREEN Our king.  
GUILDENSTERN I'm sorry.  
BUSHY Don't be. This is not your fault.  
ROSENCRANTZ And yet, I'm sorry.  
RICHARD _(clinging to HAMLET, not quite awake yet)_ What are we doing here?  
HAMLET I don't know. But you have friends, it seems.  
RICHARD Friends?  
HORATIO Friends. You will be fine.  
 _(after a moment of stillness, BUSHY, BAGGOT, and GREEN help RICHARD to sit down, wishing into existence more pillows than anyone, even an tragically emaciated king, could possibly require)_  
ROSENCRANTZ _(to HAMLET and HORATIO)_ Would you like some breakfast, while you wait?  
HAMLET Wait for what?  
GUILDENSTERN I don't know. It seems to be what we do here. Waiting.  
HAMLET And you don't know what for?  
GREEN We tried finding out, but it didn't seem to work.  
BUSHY But we were given a tree and a drawing well.  
BAGGOT And apparently, if we would be given a gate, we would be mocked.  
HORATIO _(slowly)_ A linden tree, a well and a gate?  
ROSENCRANTZ Yes? Is there something wrong with that?  
HORATIO That tree? No. But you aren't waiting.  
GUILDENSTERN We are not?  
HORATIO No. No. You have arrived. This is it, and all will be well.  
HAMLET What does that mean?  
HORATIO Don't you remember?  
HAMLET Remember what.  
HORATIO _([singing softly](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TF5DuLqYgtA))_  
Am Brunnen vor dem Thore  
Da steht ein Lindenbaum:  
Ich träumt' in seinem Schatten  
So manchen süßen Traum.

Ich schnitt in seine Rinde  
So manches liebe Wort;  
Es zog in Freud und Leide  
Zu ihm mich immer fort.

Ich mußt auch heute wandern  
Vorbei in tiefer Nacht,  
Da hab' ich noch im Dunkel  
Die Augen zugemacht.

Und seine Zweige rauschten,  
Als riefen sie mir zu:  
Komm her zu mir, Geselle,  
Hier findst Du Deine Ruh'!

Die kalten Winde bliesen  
Mir grad' in's Angesicht;  
Der Hut flog mir vom Kopfe,  
Ich wendete mich nicht.

Nun bin ich manche Stunde  
Entfernt von jenem Ort,  
Und immer hör' ich's rauschen:  
Du fändest Ruhe dort!  
 _(curtain)_

[1]Here we may leave it to directorial perceptions of modesty to contemplate the exact process of acquisition of the towel in question.  
[2]Again this decision should be left largely to the director and actor involved, though it would be advisable that the doublet be rather close-fitting, and suitably decorated to suit the tastes of a rather flamboyant court.  
[3]This hose should be as gaudy as historically possible, at least particoloured, though possibly also repaired several times, or with the sort of pattern suitable for a fool's clothes rather than for a gentleman's.

**Author's Note:**

> As Gehayi pointed out, the last song is not exactly user-friendly as regards language, so [here](http://cazoo.org/folksongs/abvdt.html) is a translation.


End file.
